Thursday, April 30, 2009

Dress for Success: Would It Kill Us to Cover Up a Little?

My friend recently shared with me a Mark Driscoll video concerning a married woman who dresses immodestly. I don’t love the idea of a husband trying to control how his wife dresses but I feel like the situation shouldn’t even have gotten to that point. Women should know better. If a woman doesn’t, if dressing that way makes her feel good, that man should understand from the get-go what kind of woman he is committing to.

Personally I don’t like it when women wear revealing clothing (the kind of revealing that borders on ridiculous). I have to stop myself from telling them their village called because their skank is missing. They think it’s empowering, I think it’s distracting. Men are ADD ladies; they can’t pay attention to the words coming out of your mouth if your boobs are falling out of your dress.

But is this fair though? Feminism is about women having choices where once we didn’t. An outfit that used to get us arrested for indecent exposure will now get us in a Flo Rida video. I am not sure that is what the suffragettes had in mind but we’ll take it.

However, just because we CAN doesn’t mean we SHOULD.

Modesty is a volatile subject in feminist circles because feminists often think of modesty in religious or historical terms only. What if we consider it in contextual terms? People make decisions based on their current cultural climate and unfortunately our generation is very good at depersonalizing the personal. They will form opinions based on what we SEE when there’s nothing else to go on. So when we visually leave nothing to the imagination in essence we are saying there is nothing more to us. It isn’t any wonder female objectification is such a problem when you now possess the intellectual depth of a hammer in a man’s eyes.

I’m not saying women who dress this way are stupid, but don’t be surprised if men jump to this conclusion if it appears women are putting all their energy into showcasing their value externally. They probably figure there isn’t enough energy leftover to read a book or form an opinion.

The feminists argue it isn’t about making the men happy but 49% of the population is male. We can’t ignore their perspective if we want to be taken seriously on a global scale. I really don’t want our third-wave feminist zeitgeist to be “we dress like porn stars and that makes us powerful and successful.” No, that makes us unoriginal. It requires a lot more creativity to wear more clothing and still look fabulous.

Women used to wear more clothing because they were taught to feel ashamed of their bodies. Now women feel they are showing how unashamed they are by taking it all off. This is not the only way to show pride in what God gave you, and in my opinion it is certainly not the best way. If you respect your body shouldn’t you only want to share it with those who have proven themselves worthy of the privilege? It’s not about shame, it’s about value.

If you still need a reason to not leave half your outfit at home just think about all the wardrobe malfunctions that result from less coverage. It’s exhausting having to monitor your clothing at all times to make sure everything is where it should be. Trust me, it isn’t worth the energy.

Please, think of the children and don’t be a free show. We are so much more than that.

Suggested Reading:
A Return to Modesty by Wendy Shalit
Female Chauvinist Pigs: Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture by Ariel Levy

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Idealists Unite

Whether you are a feminist, chauvinist, existentialist, whatever; if you are an "-ist" you obviously care enough about something to carry the label. Idealist.org is a fantastic resource for jobs, internships, and volunteer opportunities all based on the idea of improving our world for the better. A great way to get involved or just see what is going on in the non-profit sector.

Revisiting The Bridge

Ok, maybe my last entry was a bit harsh. If these guys have so much trouble getting over their last relationship it shows they had the capacity to unconditionally love someone and that is certainly commendable. That kind of love is what Shakespeare wrote poems about. Lots and lot of poems. So in the hopes of redeeming myself I want to explore this idea further.

After more consideration I realized the point my snarky diatribe was trying to make was that men having trouble moving on doesn’t bother me as much as their dependence on that status as a way to maintain distance. Sometimes it’s valid; the guy really has been burned and he really doesn’t know how strong his feelings for you are. Often though it seems like a handy excuse, one of many to keep them from being exclusive. I have since been told that women use this excuse as well which was news to me; my bad for only singling the guys out. The upside is I apparently hang around very emotionally mature women.

It just seems like everyone I meet is either in a relationship or getting over one. It’s as if they remain brokenhearted and downtrodden until they meet some extraordinary god or goddess. Why don’t we revel in our single status more? We should appreciate and enjoy that phase between the post-mortem and our new significant other; it’s the time we figure out what we learned from it all and how it helped us grow as a person.

So I apologize for judging too quickly. It’s ok to be brokenhearted and downtrodden, just don’t let that justify any bad behavior on your part.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Build a Bridge and Get Over It: Why Do Men Take Longer to Recover from a Break-Up?


We’ve all heard this excuse before; he isn’t interested in committing to a relationship because his last girlfriend “broke his heart” and he isn’t entirely over her. In guy-speak, this means:

a) he wants to hook-up
b) he wants to explore his options
c) he doesn’t LIKE you like you and is trying to let you down nicely
d) a girl did break his heart, but it was ages ago and he really should be over it by now
e) all of the above

Heads up; letter e) seems to be the popular choice.

In the rare cases where D) is the correct answer I try and understand what went so terribly wrong. I try to imagine what kind of horrible human being turned this otherwise decent guy into damaged goods. She must be a pathological liar that eats hearts for breakfast, otherwise why all the fuss?

Recently I have witnessed many confident men turn into walking train-wrecks after a break-up becomes official. What does a walking train-wreck look like? A lot like an alcoholic on the rag who decides to take up stalking as a new and exciting hobby. Break-ups are certainly difficult but I can’t help feeling a little bitter. When women go through this we cry to our girlfriends, camp out on the couch with a pint of ice cream, and a couple of weeks later we GET OVER IT. We move on.

That's because women are resilient creatures. We have to be, because more often than not we allow ourselves to be emotionally vulnerable only to have that trust broken time and again. We could either wallow in it or learn how to deal.

So we learn how to deal, keep going, and show off our battle scars proudly. In contrast, men will generally let themselves emotionally commit only if they really like you. At this point they are in it to win it. In his eyes, the relationship becomes sacred, like we should feel "privileged" to have earned his trust. If this privileged relationship ends it shakes his entire world concept. Women change? Women lie? Of course they do. Sucks being on the other side, doesn’t it?

So begins the era of the walking train-wreck. Unfortunately, men always want to fix things. They are convinced that with enough time and effort they can fix anything, but some relationships are just not meant to be. It doesn’t mean that there wasn’t love there or the relationship wasn’t special, it just wasn’t supposed to last forever. Men need to call a spade a spade and know when it’s over.

So gentlemen, quit moping and start wearing those relationship scars proudly. Remember, chicks dig scars.

And unless she still has your favorite sweatshirt, stalking is NEVER acceptable behavior.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

The Art of a Missed Connection

Whenever I need to be cheered up I go on Craigslist and look at the missed connections. You can't help but laugh. Some are amusing, some are insane, and some are just plain creepy. This one is C) all of the above.

This aspiring novelist is from Maryland, home of the Metro subway which titles the lines after various colors. Thanks to my friend Emily for locating this gem.

"You were shining and it was glorious to see. - m4w (Blue Line)

I felt really good this morning. I don't know why, it's been a long time since I've felt this way.

So there I was on the Blue Line. I don't take Blue, but there were no Yellows coming and I didn't feel like waiting. You got on somewhere around Pentagon. You were asian, with fine features and slightly wide set eyes that seemed impossibly large. Perhaps it was the seafoam-blue eyeshadow. The color was striking, even more so because of the boldness with which it was applied. I saw you walk on, but didn't really notice you until we broke from the tunnels and the sun shown through the door window. Warm golden light streamed in as you gazed out. The kind of light that seems to penetrate a person's skin and reflect back from within. You were shining and it was glorious to see. I was dazzled as Pink Floyd's The Great Gig in the Sky came to a crescendo on my iPod. It seemed somewhere in those vocals, it captured the moment. The extacy of seeing something so beautiful.

It doesn't matter who I am. I am no one, I am everyone. But you, you are perfect.

Today is a good day."

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Rescue Me: Because Aretha Franklin Said So


I can’t stand when females intentionally use the “damsel in distress” routine. It is painful having to watch grown women act like idiots to win a guy's affection. They play dumb then giggle flirtatiously when he swoops in with his inspiring answer, thereby validating his mental superiority. Really ladies? Your fake stupidity makes your man feel accomplished, huh? You must be so proud.

But men are suckers for this and I can’t really blame them. In a society struggling to define what true masculinity is these guys are grasping at straws. Opening a jar for his girlfriend becomes the masculine equivalent of slaying a fire-breathing dragon. Traditional gender roles have become so ingrained that men have to feel needed and assisting a troubled female is a sure way to do that.

Because if we don‘t need them, how are they supposed to feel worth it?

What I am coming to terms with is that I kind of admire that me-Tarzan you-Jane gallantry and, dare I say it, would like a man to treat me like a distressed damsel once in a while. I want someone to care about me enough to also feel protective of me. And yes, that sound you just heard was the collective scream of thousands of angry feminists.

I am as independent and pro-equality as they come but I would never suggest that women and men are physically or spiritually identical. Men and women and everything in between are different on a biological and physiological level, and thank goodness for that. If men and women were the same I wouldn’t have anything to write about. So here is some common knowledge. Men, on average, are physically larger and stronger than women. Men are good at focusing on a task. They take charge and get the job done. That is how their brain works. Certainly sounds like someone I want taking my side if things get rough.

If I come home in a hysterical state because some pervert tried to molest me on the subway, I want my man to say he plans to scour the city, find the guy, and proceed to kick his ass. This chivalrous exhibition would for all intents and purposes not be very helpful (or practical) but it would demonstrate how valuable I am to him. As annoying and irrational as it may be for the guys, our self-esteem needs a boost once in a while. We need to know you care about what happens to us.

We need to be reminded that we’re worth it too.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Mind, Heart, and Guts of Her Own: Why The Wizard of Oz is the Citizen Kane of Children's Movies


I don’t remember the first time I saw The Wizard of Oz, but I distinctly recall when I was about 12 years old and watched it every day for a week. I also remember that going to the Museum of American History in Washington DC. and seeing Dorothy’s ruby slippers was like being in the presence of the Hope Diamond. It was that cool.

Since its release the movie has inspired countless remakes including The Wiz, Return to Oz (to date the creepiest “children’s movie” I have ever seen…I still argue with my mother about why in the world she let me watch this nightmare masquerading as whimsical cinema) and the book/musical franchise Wicked. The story obviously resonates with a lot of people, both young and old. What is it about Dorothy’s adventures that entertain us so much?

It may be because it is still the only widely-viewed children’s movie ever made with an honest-to-goodness female heroine. I am talking about a real heroine; not one who relies on a prince to save her and/or marry her. Even in Mulan, a movie that prided itself on having a spirited female warrior as its lead, that same spirited female inevitably marries the well-meaning general at the movie‘s conclusion. Something tells me she’ll have to be a little less spirited from now on.

Dorothy's character is revolutionary because she breaks this mold. As Susan J. Douglas says in Where the Girls Are, “Finally, here’s a girl who has an adventure and doesn’t get married in the end…Throughout the movie, Dorothy is caring, thoughtful, nurturing, and empathetic, but she’s also adventuresome, determined, and courageous.”

Dorothy gets dumped in a strange land, befriends some freaky outcasts, then teaches them all self-worth while defeating a wicked witch in the process. Not an easy task, and no man or wizard to save her; in fact, my favorite part of the movie is when she finds out the wizard is a fraud and gives him a good talking to. In hindsight I realize this is a scenario that women have to grow pretty accustomed to (ex. after 8 months of dating you pull back the curtain to find out he’s married). As both children and adults we admire Dorothy for her gumption. She saves her male companions multiple times and in the end returns home minus a man. How shockingly original.

Other children’s movies with a female lead send the message that to truly prevail you have to marry the macho prince you barely know (Disney is a big offender here). Great message to present to young girls who are dreaming of growing up to be doctors, teachers, and artists. Oh yes, that’s fine Sally…just make sure you marry an MBA first. I love a happy ending as much as anybody, but where is the happy ending that doesn’t include a man “saving” the girl from a little more time as a single woman? A little variety wouldn’t hurt anyone.

Not to mention these are children which is why Douglas emphasizes the fact that Dorothy is a GIRL. Most of the Disney princesses are 15-16. I bet a lot of fathers would not let their 15 year-old daughter run away with the prince no matter how charming he was. Romantic love is hard enough, do we really need to stuff the idea of its all-encompassing importance down girls’ throats at such a young age? Kids should just be kids for a little while. I would rather encourage my daughter to dream about living an exciting life vs. dreaming about how a man can make her life exciting.

We need more movies made for children that depict a brave female that respects and is mutually respected by the other characters, both male and female. This happens all the time with male leads. Where is the female version of Harry Potter?

In the meantime I will take comfort in the fact that no matter how many princess movies Disney churns out, Dorothy will forever be taking names in the land of Oz.

Suggested Reading: Where the Girls Are by Susan J. Douglas
Targeted at an older audience but still an excellent examination of how mass media influences female identity.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Someone Must Have Done a Number On You: The Blessing and Curse of Being Jaded


I have been called “jaded” many times. So many times in fact that I felt the need to confirm its definition, possibly in the hopes that it meant “wily and mysterious” instead of “a nicer word for stone cold b*tch.”

The actual definition of jaded reads as follows:
1. A worn-out, broken-down, worthless, or vicious horse
2. A disreputable or ill-tempered woman

Well that was a brilliant idea. Disreputable or ill-tempered woman? Nice. I think I would rather be the horse.

Only men have called me jaded, not women. This is because the word is loaded with female bias and romantic connotation; you don’t hear many people say, “Well, I’ve been hurt a lot by Bounty in the past so I am pretty jaded when it comes to paper products.”

What I don’t like is the fact that the word jaded also has a consistently negative connotation. It is a passive-aggressive insult usually thrown at a woman after she rejects or emasculates a man in some way. Of course men reasonably conclude that because I don’t like one man, I am “jaded” when it comes to the entire male gender. Maybe I am just NOT THAT INTO YOU.

Being a little jaded is not such a bad thing. Being jaded makes me pickier than most when it comes to dating. I am certain I have avoided a lot of uncomfortable and potentially dangerous situations because I chose not to believe the stupid lines and idealized images. Relationships are scary, and if you have had a bad experience or two you are likely to approach with caution. Hurt me once, shame on you…hurt me twice, shame on me. We learned as children if something is hot, don’t touch it. How did we learn that? By touching something hot. Call it what you will, but a good offense really is the best defense.

I’m also labeled as jaded when I make a cynical comment about romance or relationships in general. The role of the man-hating feminist has become my trademark as a result. This is unfortunate because I don’t have a problem with romance or relationships in general; I have a problem with the lack of authenticity that often accompanies them. My generation operates under a lot of false impressions when it comes to gender roles. My cynicism stems from my desire for people to establish a unique identity and then form lasting relationships based on honestly appreciating each others’ individuality, not on some insincere romantic gesture that looks like a deleted scene from “The Notebook.” (Although in some cases this is better than no romantic gesture at all…but that is a whole other post).

Basically if you won’t go home with the guy or if you express an opinion that stresses the importance of being genuine in a romantic relationship you are a disreputable or ill-tempered woman.

If that’s the case, I wonder what a reputable woman does.


Suggested Reading: The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Takes being jaded to a whole new level in regards to a woman’s physical safety.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Feel Free to Slap Her: When Does Joking About Domestic Violence Cross the Line?

There's a hilarious story on the Onion that presents a fictitious Lifetime for Men movie in which the protagonist kills his nagging spouse. Overbearing women who are constantly trying to control every aspect of their significant other’s life drive me batty so I for one was glad this guy didn’t take it lying down. Later though I couldn’t help thinking about the bigger implications articles like this have.

Now I understand that this is a harmless joke and not one iota of its content is meant to be taken seriously. That is the genius of this site and the articles it presents. However, it did make me realize how mainstream jokes concerning domestic violence have become to the point that I don’t even notice them anymore.

My best friend will joke with his buddies about “smacking me around to keep me in line” all the time. He says it right in front of me and I laugh. I know this only encourages him further, but no big deal right? If that is the case, where do I draw the line about what's appropriate and what's not? With controversial humor presented on shows like Family Guy and South Park on a weekly basis, I feel like the line keeps getting further and further away for everyone.

I realized jokes about violence against women bother me in particular because it is still such a large-scale and horribly overlooked problem in our society. Politically incorrect jokes about hot-button topics that are no longer an issue don’t seem as destructive. It would be like making a joke about the Salem witch trials vs. making a joke about the genocide in Darfur.

If a current social issue is not taken seriously enough already, it seems wrong to fuel the fire by joking about it. Nearly one-third of American women (31%) report being physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives. No punch-line there.

There is also a terrible double standard involved in these types of jokes. For example, if a man jokes about giving their girlfriend a good beating he is a monster; if I make the same joke I am a badass. Maybe the reasoning here is that historically a woman usually whales on a guy in physical self-defense, in which case that response is inarguably encouraged. But what if I nonchalantly say I am going to beat my boyfriend to a bloody pulp because he forgot my birthday…is the violence in this case ok since he so obviously deserves it? If the roles were reversed and I was the forgetful ho, shouldn’t I expect this type of treatment as well? This article is doing exactly the same thing; taking a classic Lifetime plotline and flipping the gender roles. Even in comedic form it sounds unfair to the men; because it is.

It is important for us to be conscious about the jokes we say and the context we say them in. Sure they’re funny but they are also making light of a serious issue. If we continue to joke about domestic violence with abandon it will continue to be handled with abandon.

So laugh, but don’t laugh too hard.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Breaking the Spell of Breaking Dawn

I have a bone to pick with Twilight fans as I believe the series (by Stephanie Meyer if you have been living under a rock and have no clue what I am talking about) presents a pretty destructive message to young adults. Well, Christine Seifert over at B*tch Magazine wrote an excellent article examining the blind romanticism and uber-religious undertones of Edward and Bella's fairytale. This is a refreshing perspective in the midst of an alarming trend.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

She Likes to Shake Her Ass: My Addiction to Sexist Alternative Rock Songs


I have recently discovered a disturbing addiction. I'll be in my car and Nickelback's song “Something in Her Mouth” will start playing on the radio. Then, horror of horrors, I'll start singing. I become completely engrossed in singing along with this masochistic, chauvinist display of male debauchery…and for some inexplicable reason, I seem to enjoy it.

Is it wrong for a proud, independent, respectful woman to like this and similar alternative rock songs with lyrics such as, “I like your pants around your feet,” “Hey, you’re crazy b*tch but you f**k so good I’m on top of it,” or my personal favorite, “My girlfriend's a dick magnet, my girlfriend's got to have it?” Umm, YES. Yes it is.

Or is it? I have reflected over my unabashed love of these offensive lyrics and have come to several conclusions. This is a very good thing as my excuses, “but they’re so catchy” and “they have a great beat” were just not cutting it anymore.

Conclusion #1: We all, in large or small part, want to be a bad girl. Secretly I want to be the girl that guys think of when they hear someone say it’s the quiet ones you have to watch out for. Embarrassing, yes. True? Absolutely. Usually I am the witty, sarcastic, kind of entertaining but not relationship-material mother hen when I go out with my pretty friends. That sassy intellectual stereotype does not leave much room for ass-shaking or downing shots on top of the bar. So if I want to indulge in a little fantasy through the magic of song, is that so terrible?

Conclusion #2: We all, in large or small part, want a bad boy. This is so cliché it pains mentioning, but in this context it is about the lyrics themselves and what they literally say. If someone talked to me like this in a bar I would smile while simultaneously punching them in their mouth. However in lyrical form, the line blurs. Again, it is that fantasy factor. You want to smack the lead singer, but at the same time you want to take him home to spite your parents. Oh the bad boy complex…when will we ever learn?

Conclusion #3: I like being in control. One thing all these songs have in common is the projection of sexual and social power on the female subject. These guys want these girls BAD. This feeling of power is pretty intoxicating. Thanks goes to our patriarchal society for always making women feel that to be powerful and independent we need to act more like the men. In doing that, we are giving men exactly what they want; the dirty girl with no inhibition (aka the college frat boy in female form). SIGH. I blame the sexual revolution…as Kim Blum eloquently stated, “The sexual revolution is over and everybody lost.”

Conclusion #4: They really are catchy and they really do have a great beat.

So against my better judgment I will continue to listen to and yes ENJOY these songs. On the inside, my rational self will be screaming about the unfair objectification of women and the societal programming that has turned me into this poor excuse for a feminist. But my naughty alter-ego? She’ll be ripping up the dance floor.

Here are my current favorites...please do not lose all respect for me:
  • "Something in Your Mouth" by Nickelback
  • "Shakin' Hands" by Nickelback
  • "Crazy B*tch" by Buckcherry
  • "Bad Girlfriend" by Theory of a Deadman
  • "Blue Jeans" by Silvertide
  • "New Tattoo" by Saving Abel
  • "Addicted" by Saving Abel