Friday, May 29, 2009

Ending the Power Struggle: Can't We All Just Get Along?


A friend sent me this interesting passage from a book called Chasing Daylight by Erwin Raphael McManus:

"For generations men have been given carte blanche to rule the home from the position of power and authority. Not only children, but wives have felt powerless to have a real role in shaping the texture of the family. Our society has often been deaf to the cries of women who feel powerless to shape their lives. At the same time, feminism has empowered women to pursue the same instruments of power that once held them oppressed. The solution to the sense of powerlessness, the solution to ending the unethical use of power by men, is to seize the same power and influence and use them the same way. Nothing has changed at the core. No genuine shift in value systems. It's just more crowded at the top with everyone pushing each other off as we lust for more power, more authority, more position. We have lost confidence in the power of influence and because of that, we have lost the beauty of its art. The problem with positional power is that while it may control the actions of another human being, its does not capture the heart. God is looking for women and men who will be characterized by this Jonathan Factor ( see 1 Samuel 14 for a more complete explanation), who understand, develop, and maximize their sphere of influence."

In essence, I whole-heartedly agree with this statement. I love what the second-wave feminists did for the movement (for those unfamiliar with the three waves, these were the 60’s “bra-burning” sexual revolution feminists) but in a lot of ways they also screwed the cause. They made women feel that to be powerful, we had to act like MEN to reclaim our worth instead of being taught that being a WOMAN is empowering. Women learned they could either be the hardcore, power-suit wearing, ball-busting executive or the raunchy, aggressive sexual predator whose power was dependent on male conquests. In both cases, being aggressive is apparently the secret ingredient.

Its no wonder the men are crapping their pants en mass. Women are already incredibly smart, now they feel powerful too? Scary combination indeed.

However, there is a big difference between being aggressive and being assertive. Men and women are different and, not to get too new-agey on you, we possess different masculine and feminine energy. David Deida has written many books that explore this concept, and even though his language can be flowery and simplistic at times the basic idea is a valid one. Feminine energy at its core is NOT aggressive…it is free-spirited, nurturing, empathetic, and creative. God made us that way and I don’t mess with God’s design.

Women can not claim power by acting more like men. It throws everything out of balance. We should be taught the inherent power and worth we possess as women is a beautiful thing and learn to translate that power in the home and in the workplace.

How does this apply to a woman’s role in the family structure? Well, I think gender roles in the family need to be flexible and not based on the long-standing tradition of the docile Stepford wife. If you are a woman and have not already read The Feminine Mystique by Betty Friedan step away from your computer this instant, go to the nearest bookstore and do not leave without this book. I am willing to let it go that for some reason you have not had a chance to read it up until this point, but if you continue to ignore it’s life-changing capacity after reading this then shame on you.

It explores how women are trapped into the role of “housewife” at an extremely early age and never break away from that role. This was a huge problem in the 50’s and 60’s, and even though we would like to think things have changed drastically we have recently been experiencing another wave of this behavior. Women are still being pressured to be a “wife” and “mother” before anything else. Just ask any woman who openly admits she doesn’t want to have children if you don’t believe me.

I wouldn’t be bothered by this imposed pressure if I felt like it was even close to an equal deal (“husband” and “father” before “occupation” etc.) but it isn’t. More importantly, I don’t like the implied physical responsibilities that are put on the role of wife vs. husband. Read doing all the housework, raising the children, etc. I have absolutely nothing against stay-at-home-moms if that is their choice; I know some women who were BORN to be moms. However, no woman should ever feel that this is a non-negotiable role based on her gender. Right now it is a rare household that can function on one income, so not only does the wife work all day but then she has to come home and face all the chores and childcare. I much prefer seeing marriages that are true partnerships; in other words, the husband and wife share the household/family responsibilities equally according to who inherently does what best. This seems like common sense but you rarely see it in real life. Simply put, women are not maids. We do possess more power than that and it should not be squandered.

Gender roles should never be about power, however women are still making up for lost time so give us some slack if we overcompensate a little. Eventually I think a balance will be struck where we aren’t “pushing each other at the top” but instead appreciating each other’s unique qualities and the inherent power we possess because of our masculine or feminine energy. At that point there won’t be a head of the household or gender role stereotypes because there won’t need to be.

Until that day, let’s not teach our daughters that their inherent feminine energy can only be expressed by playing with Barbie dolls and Easy Bake ovens. We would truly be selling them short.
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Suggested Reading:
The Feminine Mystique by Betty Friedan

Boys Are Silly. Let's Throw Rocks at Them.


Was a boy mean to you today? Did he take all your red skittles when you only offered the green and yellow ones? I feel your pain. Here is a fun way to let go of that rage, because really they aren't worth it. I heard they have cooties...and who wants any part of that?

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Put the Bad Relationship Down: When Lust Becomes Addictive

I recently read a book by Rob Bell called Sex God. Regardless of whether you are a Christian or not EVERYONE should read this book. It contains the most eloquent explanation of unconditional love I have ever read.

The book is about more than sex and love. As he states often, “this is really about that.”

One heavy subject he tackles is addiction. All of us at one point in our lives have been addicted to something. Pick your poison; unhealthy relationships, sex, drugs, alcohol, caffeine, raw cookie dough, Friends re-runs. Obviously some addictions are more destructive than others, but on some level any addiction is destructive. It ends up controlling us and that always has negative consequences anywhere from minor pangs of guilt to physical danger.

My whole life I have dealt with emotional and physical baggage I don’t know what to do with. It’s easy to be tempted by anything and everything that will take you away from dealing with reality even if it only for a matter of moments. No one chooses to be an addict; it just becomes preferable to the alternative.

In the context of his book Bell is confronting sexual addiction. Many individuals are addicted to relationships and/or sex because to them it is preferable to the alternative. Being alone.

Validation, feeling accepted and wanted, is addictive.

The danger here is two-fold; first, it’s easy to be blissfully unaware that this is a problem. I could discuss the horrible cycle of co-dependency but that is a whole other post. We all have that one friend who is incapable of being single for more than ten minutes. They end up dating some real winners, let me tell you. Here is where the line is crossed; it’s okay to date lots of people, but when you get to that point that you settle for someone who treats you like crap because it’s preferable to the alternative it becomes unhealthy. When a relationship/sexual behavior requires an intervention that is probably a red flag.

The second danger is even if they acknowledge this as a pattern, they don’t see it as a terribly dangerous one. They don’t see any harm in it. Being addicted to sex or relationships seems like a lesser evil compared to drugs or alcohol. Again, ANY addiction is destructive to some degree because you are not experiencing true emotional or physical freedom. While drugs and alcohol don’t respect your body, addictive relationships or sex don’t respect your personality, your unique soul. I don’t know about you but I am a little more attached to my soul than I am to my body so I consider this to be a pretty dangerous pattern.

Any addict will tell you that if you have this type of relentless, passionate energy it needs to go SOMEWHERE. Everyone needs an outlet. If that energy isn't channeled somewhere productive or healthy it will be channeled somewhere destructive and hurtful.

So, what are you channeling your energies into?

Bell says, “Life is not about toning down and repressing your God-given life force. It’s about channeling it and focusing it and turning it loose on something beautiful, something pure and true and good, something that connects you with God, with others, with the world.”

My hope is that everyone can find an outlet that fulfills them as individuals so relationships and sex become a blessing instead of a “better than the alternative” scenario. For me those outlets are writing and painting; for you it could be horseback riding, rock climbing, or mud wrestling. Hey, I don’t judge.

So just say no to that second date with the guy who kicks small animals. The alternative really can't be worse than that.

Suggested Reading:
Sex God by Rob Bell
Feeding Your Demons: Ancient Wisdom for Resolving Inner Conflict by Tsultrim Allione
Provides a spirtiual/meditative approach for channeling your negative energies or "demons"

Monday, May 11, 2009

Your Daily Dose of Vintage Sexism

I am not sure whether to laugh or cry. It is miraculous my mother got her MBA having grown up amidst this type of advertising.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Just Friends? Harry and Sally Were the Exception, Not the Rule


One of the most embarrassing moments of my life was when, while catching up with some friends at our local coffee shop, I stated that my friendship with so-and-so was “strictly plutonic.” As in the planet Pluto. Obviously God did not equip me with built-in spell-check or the common sense to stop talking while I am still ahead.

I was unfamiliar with the word “platonic” because it didn’t come up in conversation often. Even though I had many friends who were male, both gay and straight, I was never put in a position where I had to justify those friendships. I took it for granted that friendships like these were completely normal.

This topic became one of great concern for me when I noticed the most recent cover of US Magazine. It crucifies Jon Gosselin (of TLC’s Jon and Kate Plus 8 fame) for being out late with one of his female friends while his wife was out of town.

TLC loving housewives everywhere began sharpening their pitchforks. His response to the allegations? “Yes, I have female friends -- but that is all she is. I'm not going to end my friendships just because I'm on TV."

Sigh…where to begin. Can a straight man and a straight woman be friends even if one of those individuals is involved in a committed relationship? OF COURSE THEY CAN.

Are there circumstances where it isn’t okay? Possibly.

First there is the brother/sister friend, where two straight individuals of the opposite sex meet and form a friendship with no romantic or sexual attraction whatsoever. Harry and Sally can quit their whining because this IS possible, although it is admittedly rare. More commonly one will be attracted to the other but the person does not reciprocate and both parties decide they are able to continue as friends. The important thing is there was never any physical relationship established. These friends should not be attacked or questioned. If you have a problem with your significant other having this type of friend there is something deeply wrong with you. Trust me, they are a saner happier person because they have this friend to give them valuable opposite-sex perspective. You have probably avoided a lot of nights on the couch because of this person so instead of being jealous you might want to send them a fruit basket.

Then there is the amicable break-up friend . Two people date, break up, and decide not to throw objects at each other or post embarrassing pictures of the other person on the internet; as a result they are able to remain friendly. These friends are tricky to read because you know there was attraction present at one time. What’s to say it won’t come back, or that it isn’t still there? Jealousy may be understandable in this case although it still doesn’t justify your attempts to control every moment your other half spends with this person. We are adults and can feel things without acting on them.

Then there is the new friend, a friendship established while one person is dating someone else. Friendships like these are the worst because you have no idea whether there is attraction present or not; you aren’t a bloody mind-reader. All you have to go on is what your boyfriend/girlfriend tells you is true. Yeah, good luck with that.

Basically I think in almost all cases platonic friendships between men and women should never be questioned as inappropriate because first and foremost we are all human beings and we thrive on relationships, both romantic and non-romantic. I would not be okay with one of my male friends breaking off our long-standing friendship, not being able to spend time together just the two of us like he does with his male friends, just because his new girlfriend demands it.

That’s because the problem isn’t the friendships being maintained; it is the severe lack of trust present in our current dating culture. Lack of communication = trust issues = jealousy = calling your boyfriend 20 times a day in order to ascertain his exact whereabouts due to the off-chance that he MAY be having a cup of coffee with a girl he dated in second grade. Dirty scoundrel.

Can you blame us? I wish it was easier to be a trusting person in our society, but guess what? If you don’t have trust and respect in your relationship, you don’t have anything. That is a fact. At some point you have to trust someone. Trust is established by genuine communication so if you have a problem with one of your boyfriend/girlfriend’s friends, here’s a novel idea; TALK ABOUT IT.

Also take comfort in the fact that you are ten times smarter than his second grade girlfriend. She probably pronounces platonic “plutonic.”

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

The Text Message You Shouldn't Have Sent...

We've all done it. We press the send button and then 5 hours later wish we could reach into the cellular void and retrieve it with no one the wiser. Drunk texting is the new drunk dialing and it isn't pretty. Just consider yourself lucky that it didn't end up on the internet.

Go to textsfromlastnight.com and enjoy.

Remember this stuff is in WRITING people, so please don't let your friends text while intoxicated...even if it seems like a fabulous idea to them at the time.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Tough Love: Relationship Boot Camp or a Much Needed Intervention?


A show called Tough Love had its season finale episode on VHI this weekend. I have followed the show religiously out of morbid fascination. While it could easily be construed as another offensive and shallow reality show at first glance, I think the cast shows an accurate (albeit exaggerated) representation of a too common problem facing all women; the battle for our own self-worth.

Here is a quick synopsis; eight women who are hopeless at relationships are under the impression they are on a matchmaking show. The big reveal is that their “matchmaker,” Steven Ward, is going to put these women through emotional and mental hell, also known as relationship boot camp, with the intention of making them close to match-worthy. Steve promises that if these women follow his “rules” they will all be capable of finding true love.

No need to explain what happens next; tears are shed, tantrums are thrown, and expensive camera equipment is destroyed. Alcohol also makes a frequent appearance. Seriously, when will these reality show women JUST SAY NO? How many unstable women curled up on the floor crying hysterically will they need to see before they learn to put the bottle down?

But in this case alcohol is simply fuel for the fire. The real problem is they walked in the door with more emotional baggage than they could carry.

These women don’t need boot camp, they need counseling.

The spectrum of defense mechanisms is shown full force. First there’s Arian; Arian has the traditionally stigmatized “daddy issues.” As a child she was constantly seeking approval from her father but rarely received it. Her defense? Validation through sex without any emotional commitment. She gets to feel wanted and approved of but never lets herself get involved enough to be hurt. A lot of men scoff at the so called “daddy issues” but they are very real. Our childhood experiences have a profound effect on the way we rationalize things. Instead of scoffing these guys should remember what they are witnessing so they don’t make the same mistakes with their own daughters.

Then there’s Taylor, the stereotypical gold-digger. Even Mother Theresa would have struggled to feel an ounce of sympathy for this girl. In the beginning of the show she refused to look twice at a guy unless he came with a trust fund and Harry Winston ring in tow. We later learn there are underlying reasons for her behavior including a dysfunctional family life and a child she had to give up for adoption.

Keep in mind, I am not excusing their behavior. Women aren't allowed to be evil just because their dad didn’t hug them enough. What I am saying is that we shouldn’t consider their behavior a black and white representation of who they are as a person.

The other classic stereotypes are also present in an over-the-top reality TV manner; the serial monogamist hyperventilating at the prospect of not being married by 25, the OCD list-maker with impossibly high standards, the shy co-dependent sweetheart who only dates losers, the bitter wild-child who sabotages all potential interest, the career-focused workaholic, and….the vampire? Stasha is just strange.

Stereotypes exist because they're true enough of the time. These particular stereotypes reflect a widespread social epidemic of women not valuing themselves. Whether it’s the result of a less than ideal childhood, poor body image, or just plain low self-esteem, so many smart beautiful women are convinced they are “less than.” This is a subject that weighs heavily on my heart and one of the main reasons I began to proudly speak about my passion for feminism.

I hope these women learn that the reason they are failing at relationships is not because they don’t know “the rules” as Steve calls them, but because they haven’t taken the time to figure out their own emotional needs. If they don’t, that serial monogamist probably will be married before 25.

She’ll probably be divorced before 25 too.