The Porn Identity: Is It Damaging Men as Much as Women?

Porn is hard to ignore. Whether it inundates your life intentionally or unintentionally, its out there and its status as an economic cash-cow (revenues each year average $10 billion or higher) are undeniable. Personally I used to be on the fence about pornography; I took the “each to his own” and “whatever floats your boat” stance, mostly because of its inevitability. Porn markets the inevitability factor well. They argue that pre-historic man painted naked women on caves, so what’s the big deal about double penetration? I didn’t have the energy to fight this kind of ridiculous argument so I just let it go. I had more important battles to fight.

Well, consider me officially off the fence. Somehow porn has unintentionally inundated my life in a big way lately through articles, books, news stories, and casual conversations with friends. But instead of the usual battle cries of how damaging pornography is to women, the conversations lately have revolved around the affect pornography has on men. After all, men consume the majority of pornography so it makes perfect sense that they should be included.

The question is this; it is pretty obvious that pornography is damaging to women, and how men perceive women, but is it equally damaging (if not MORE damaging) to men?

If porn turns women into objects, what does it turn men into? Slaves? Animals? Addicts? Abusers? Run of the mill assholes?

Men as a whole are not to blame (the men producing porn are another matter, one that involves my fists and there big dumb heads). If young men are learning about sex by viewing porn in one of its myriad forms then their perception of sex will be altered accordingly. Sure its “fantasy,” but the human brain doesn’t have an easy button when it comes to separating fantasy and reality.

When it comes to the human male it is basically monkey see, monkey do.

Considering the porn that is most frequently consumed, as in what is rented or viewed online the most (I am not including soft-core, erotica, artsy porn simply because its viewing is fractional compared to hard-core gonzo and feature porn) the common denominator is control. Men are always in control, often to the point of causing pain.

Sex as domination, fantastic. Sure glad we don’t live in a rape culture or anything, because then we’d REALLY be in trouble.

Take note that my use of the word “consumption” to describe pornography viewing is intentional. Just like food it satisfies a need, plain and simple. But also like food moderation can be a problem. And it’s the food that is bad for you that tastes so much better.

Herein lies the problem of porn. Because it is so masterful at taking emotion completely out of the equation, porn becomes boring. Producers are scraping the bottom of one nasty barrel for the most extreme fare they can get. In this equation the nasty, demeaning, pain-inducing factor goes up while man’s capacity for human decency and empathy plummet.

Porn is destroying man’s capacity to remain HUMAN. This is the thesis argument of Robert Jensen’s excellent book Getting Off: Pornography and the End of Masculinity. Consider this excerpt:

“For many men, sex is often a place where we both display and reinforce our power over women. By that, I don’t mean that all men at all times use sex that way, but that a pattern of such relationships is readily visible in this society. Women deal with it every day, and at some level most men understand it. We can see that pornography not only raises issues about the buying and selling of women, but…about sex in general, about the way in which men and women in this culture are commonly trained to be sexual. It’s about men and women, and sex and power.

We live in a time of sexual crisis. That makes life difficult, but it also creates a space for invention and creativity…the possibility of a different way of understanding the world and myself, the possibility of escaping the masculinity trap set for me, that chance to become something more than a man, more that just a john-to become a human being.”

I don’t have any lofty ideas about single-handedly bringing down the pornography industry, however much I would like to. I will have to settle for indignation, outrage…but mostly sadness. I am sad for the men that are exposed to this smut, this degradation of women, and think it is the norm. Think that this is what the masculine identity looks like. Think that the women in these films are not somebody’s friend, somebody’s sister, somebody’s daughter.

It is our job to remind them. When they watch Ariana Jollee have sex with 65 men in one day as she does in the film 65 Guy Cream Pie they need to remember that her real name is Laura David and that Laura David is somebody’s daughter. Is that the life a father envisions for his daughter?

We are indeed in the midst of a sexual crisis, and we don’t have the luxury of riding the fence when the stakes are this high.

Lets take sex off the screen and put it back in the bedroom where it belongs.


For some incredibly different perspectives on this subject, I suggest the following reading:
Getting Off: Pornography and the End of Masculinity by Robert Jensen
Feast of Burden: The Transgressive, Disturbing World of “Feeding Porn” by Jessica Hester
Porn-Again Christian by Mark Driscoll

Some Gender-Related Factoids

• In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb."
• Many years ago in Scotland a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden." Thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
• The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
• Men can read smaller print than women can.
• Bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laserprinters were all invented by women.
• It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
• Men’s shirts have the buttons on the right but women’s blouses have the buttons on the left. This is because during the Victorian period buttons were quite expensive and were mostly worn by the wealthy. Since proper, well-to-do ladies were dressed by their servants, and most people are right-handed, their buttons were placed on the servant’s right which is the wearer’s left side. Most gentlemen dressed themselves so their buttons were placed on the wearer’s right side.
• Every year, 11,000 Americans injure themselves while trying out bizarre sexual positions.
• On average women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Imogen Heap's New Album

After years of preparation and hype Imogen Heap's new album, Ellipse, has finally debuted. I am happy to say I was not at all disappointed. It was worth the wait. She is one of the most talented musicians working today and this album clearly shows why. I was especially pleased that she included an instrumental version of each song on the deluxe album.

One track I find particularly fascinating is "Bad Body Double." It is playful, thought-provoking and distressing; a combination that only Imogen could pull off (reminds me of "Goodnight and Go..." an adorable song about unrequited love but at the same time very creepy when you consider the stalking element of it). "Bad Body Double" is a statement about standards of beauty for women. I am still trying to figure out exactly what her stance on it is, but one thing is made clear; every woman has two versions of herself to some varying degree. One version cares tremendously about whether she looks good, the other doesn't. Reconciling the two can be pretty tricky.

Here's a preview:

She's trouble, alright.

Sometimes I manage to lose her
Shake her at a bar, in the gym for five minutes
It feels so good to be back to my own self again
Can get quite confusing.

We look very similar except she's got some grays
and a little extra weight on the sides
And dimply thighs,
I hear that stuff's a bitch to get rid off

No, no, no, no
We're having quite an intimate, personal moment (not now)
Could you maybe come at a slightly less awful time? (not now)
She can see I've got someone quite nice here with me
Can't we just be left alone...
I guess that's a no then
Seeing as you're still here

Vampires Suck: Feisty Female Heroines of Urban Fantasy Show the Undead Who's Boss

Over the last decade there has been a steadily growing trend for the urban fantasy genre in TV and literature, especially among young women. Laura Miller wrote an excellent article for Salon.com concerning this. For those that aren’t familiar with the term, urban fantasy refers to romantic/thriller mysteries that deal with the supernatural (vampires, werewolves, witches, demons, etc.). Authors such as Laurell K. Hamilton, Charlaine Harris, Kim Harrison, Kelley Armstrong and Stephanie Meyers have made a name for themselves through urban fantasy literature and their books have developed cult-followings that give Harry Potter fans a run for their money.

My feelings about this trend are mixed. It is probably public knowledge by now that I hate the Twilight series by Stephanie Meyers. Actually hate is too tame a word…loathe would be more appropriate.

The issue I have with the series is very specific; Edward and Bella have nothing in common, barely speak to each other, but somehow miraculously manage to fall in love because they like how each other smells. One small problem though…he is constantly fighting his temptation to kill Bella. Moral of the story; don’t let your boyfriend drink your blood, because if he does he may not be responsible for trying to kill you. Ahhhh, young love.

This message isn’t so destructive for adults, but for teenagers that are the series’ target audience? I think it is absolutely frightening that a message like this is being projected as “true love.“ Supposedly the books are supposed to promote Christian values, which is why Bella and Edward’s relationship is so sexually charged yet they are adamant about waiting to have sex until they are married. UMM, maybe they are adamant about waiting to have sex because it is a very real possibility that Edward may KILL Bella. It certainly gives a whole new meaning to using protection.

So hear that girls? Sex kills. And love is based on smell. And if you want to look pretty, you should always look slightly perturbed and pout a lot. And be incapable of breathing with your mouth closed. Yeah Kristen Stewart, I’m talking to you.

You will see something very different if you read some urban fantasy by the other authors I mentioned. In these, the main character is a female heroine who in some way is in an epic battle against supernatural beings. Paradoxically they are also dating and/or sleeping with the supernatural as well. Conflict of interests? Perhaps, but it sure is refreshing to see a young heroine who can hold her own against the undead both inside and outside the bedroom.

Twilight fans, take notes; these women are hard-core. They are strong, determined, smart, and sarcastic. They can vanquish you to hell, fight off a stampede of zombies and come up with witty comebacks all in the same chapter.

Basically Bella would pee her skinny size 0 pants if she had to face-off with one of these ladies.

Why does any of this matter? Because with any trend there should always be a healthy balance so that people can have their pick of type-cast characters. I AM NOT suggesting that these characters should be role models, but regardless it is undeniable that these stories have influence and we need to be aware of it. Sure it’s fictional, but unlike Harry Potter mania this genre is fantasy just the other side of realism. There is a basis in reality that makes the fandom go a little over the edge sometimes. If this is the case then its nice to know we are sending balanced messages about the role women can play in these environments. That way it’s each to her own; if you like the shy, gutless, I could be torn to pieces at any moment but I don’t care because my boyfriend is so dreamy type than Twilight fans can have at it.

If not, explore your options.

Here are some series to get you started:
Dead Until Dark by Charlaine Harris (now True Blood on HBO)
Dead Witch Walking by Kim Harrison
Anita Blake series by Laurell K. Hamilton (note: this series goes horribly downhill after book 10 so I would suggest discontinuing at that point)
Bitten by Kelley Armstrong

Eliminating the Labels: Can We All Just Be Humanists?

Labels are a funny thing. On paper they seem pretty harmless; a way to quickly identify your perspective to other people, to advocate for what you believe in, to be part of a like-minded community. Great on paper; not always so successful in practice.

Why? Because people make assumptions.

This isn’t always a bad thing. Throughout our lives our brains learn to make assumptions to save time and serve as a defensive mechanism. Assumptions are essential for keeping ourselves safe. For example, if you are about to cross a busy intersection you make an assumption that those cars are not going to stop for you. Congratulations, you just avoided becoming road kill.

The danger comes when people hear a word or “label” and then create an impression about that person solely based on negative stereotypes and assumptions.

Case in point; I have become “The Feminist” in my group of friends. As in, “Look, it’s my favorite feminist!” or “If you pick up any food for her make sure it’s feminist friendly.” Basically I feel like the missing member of the Breakfast Club; the princess, the criminal, the brain, the athlete, the basket case, and the feminist.

I can take a joke, but it goes beyond that when I become defined by this label. Certainly there are worse things I could be defined as, but why do I have to be “defined” by anything at all?

This has forced me to reflect on how vocal I am regarding my feminism. Honestly I didn’t think I was that in-your-face about it. Obviously this blog is a totally different story; this is an environment where I can vent and whine and pick on boys as much as I want, take it or leave it. But in person I thought I was filtering myself pretty well. Guess not.

Well, you should have seen me five years ago. In a backwards way I have actually made a lot of positive progress. My whole life I’ve struggled with my identity; for many years, the majority of high school and college, I tried as hard as a I could to downplay my femininity. I wore baggy hand-me-down clothing and perfected my cynical I-hate-anything-girly attitude. I wanted to show people I was strong and I couldn’t reconcile that idea with appearing feminine. Feminine equaled doormat in my mind. I became “one of the guys” instead, and it worked for me.

But it wasn’t me, until feminism bridged the gap. I could be a woman and be strong. Win.

So maybe I am pretty vocal about it. Maybe that’s because so many people aren’t. People are afraid to associate themselves with feminism because of the negative assumptions people immediately make about it; read man-hater, bra-burner, and anti-razor. Women don’t want to be “The Feminist” amongst their peers any more than I do. You make yourself a target for debate and ridicule and it seriously handicaps your dating life.

In that case, is the label even necessary? If all it brings me are snide remarks and mumbled jokes, is it really worth it?

I don’t have a good answer. On the one hand I would say no, as the scale seems unfairly balanced. Feminism is advocating equal rights for women, yes? Well then where is the label advocating equal rights for homosexuals? Equal rights for the disabled? They have bumper stickers, why not a label?

Or how about a label advocating equal rights for men? Chauvinism isn't really cutting it.

As the movie 100 Girls so eloquently states, perhaps “the only -ists there should be are Humanists.”

Furthermore, how important is it to claim the label publicly? Many people, both men and women, will tell me they are a feminist in one-on-one conversation but will steer clear of the label in any group setting. I have no problem with this; sometimes your opinions are a privilege and not a right. They don’t always need to be shouted from the rooftops…yeah I know guys, I’m working on it...

On the other hand, I say the label IS necessary if you are brave enough to take it on. This is because women’s rights are threatened on a daily basis, especially in countries outside of the United States…and because a label DOES exist for protecting those rights, for sparking the interest of others in the cause, I will continue to claim it in both private and public settings. Certainly I don’t ascribe to all feminist doctrine but that is the case for any label. That is why assumptions are so harmful. Assumptions disregard the fact that we are unique human beings capable of forming our own opinions outside of a mob mentality.

Slowly I am becoming more aware of how I am presenting myself. I certainly hope that I disprove some of the more negative feminist stereotypes, and in the future I hope I can temper my rants in a way that doesn’t present an air of negativity or bitterness.

Most importantly, I am realizing that the label is temporary…and I am looking forward to the day when I won’t need to be a feminist anymore.

When we will all get over ourselves and just be Humanists.

The Self-Respect Wars: A Call for Women to Boycott the Commitment-Phobic "Friend"

Recently I have encountered a scenario, both through personal experience and through the experiences of friends, that weighs heavily on my heart. It’s a classic scenario in the same league as the guy-who-isn’t-over-his-ex and the guy-who-verbally-abuses-you-because-he-cares.

It’s the guy-who-is-dating-you-but-isn‘t-ACTUALLY-dating-you.

He tells everyone you are “just friends.” He never wants you to meet his friends, let alone hang out with them. He texts you more than he calls you. Any time you meet it is just the two of you and kept secret, because why have people talk? Heaven forbid your friends and his friends actually talk about the untraditional nature of your quasi-relationship.

It is hard to adequately express my frustration with these boys. What I’m desperate to know is this: exactly WHERE did they learn that this sort of thing is acceptable?

Who, for pete's sake, is rounding all the men up and telling them they are entitled to have all the benefits of a romantic relationship, emotional and/or physical, without having to actually commit to a relationship? Whoever this person is, they need to be stopped. And shipped to Sweden immediately. Preferably in pieces.

At least they used to date you for a few weeks before they dumped you for not putting out. Now they don’t even respect you enough to let you claim ownership of a simple label for an unknown period of time, usually to be determined by them. No, they would rather do whatever they need to do to keep the “friendship“ intact, feeding us any number of excuses to keep us just interested enough to not cut them off completely.

And why not? They get to have their cake and eat it too. They get all the emotional fulfillment, the female companionship, and in some cases physical benefits without any of the accountability. They can date other girls (or you know, be “just friends” with another girl like they are “just friends” with you). It’s a sweet deal, and not one they are willing to relinquish without a fight.

In all fairness some men are not even aware they are doing this. Most women have at some point had that male friend that is flirtatious, spends lots of time with you alone, treats you like a princess…but still only sees you as a friend. Meanwhile you’re becoming completely smitten with the guy, getting emotionally attached, and he is none the wiser. If it isn’t intentional, if he is unaware of how his treatment of us is read, then is he really at fault? I keep convincing myself that surely they SHOULD know better…but sometimes they honest to goodness don’t. Sometimes they ARE that oblivious, so we can’t justifiably be angry when they show up with another girl on their arm.

My point then is this. It doesn’t matter if there isn’t a concrete definition or label attached to your relationship. Who cares if he isn’t willing to publicly commit to you; if your relationship with the guy entails anything more than what a strictly platonic friendship includes (ie. extended periods of time spent together, constant communication, and/or physical benefits) then you need to claim that definition for YOURSELF. Don’t let what your friends define as a “relationship” alter your perspective on what a relationship REALLY is. Labels be damned.

If it looks like a relationship, acts like a relationship, and smells like bullshit….

Maybe you decide you are alright with the status-quo, for whatever reason. I am pretty sure every woman has done this. I know I have. The reasons vary of course. Maybe you DON’T need the label. Maybe you just care about him too much to lose him and are willing to settle for whatever you can get. Maybe you hold out hope that if you continue on the path you are currently on, he’ll come to his senses and finally commit to you.

Rationally we understand that in some cases we might be kidding ourselves, but our rational minds and our emotional hearts don’t often see eye to eye. Inevitably our emotional heart usually wins out and we do what we want to do, regardless of what our friends, our brains, or our past experience tells us.

That being said, it is up to every individual woman to figure out what her threshold is. How long are you willing to put up with a quasi-relationship status before putting your foot down? Before establishing boundaries? If he wants to be more than friends, and if he actually does respect you, he should be willing to commit to a dating relationship with you. End. Of. Story.

I implore my gender to stop putting up with the guy-who-wants-all-the-benefits-but-none-of-the-responsibility. We keep letting them get away with it. Until women universally choose to acknowledge that they deserve better, the sorry-excuse-for-a-man in question will simply find another woman with low self-esteem and daddy issues to string along for a while.

I don’t want to be that next woman. They don’t want to relinquish this sweet deal without a fight?

Let’s give them that fight.

Talk Derby to Me: Better to Get Knocked Down than Knocked Up

I liked Maya Rulz the first day of Roller Derby Boot Camp. That was before the third day of camp when she made us do “core exercises.” Imagine laying on your back, hands under your butt, and lifting your legs (primarily using your abdominal muscles) 6” off the ground for an extended period of time. With five-pound roller skates attached to each foot.

She also taught us the porn-star stretch, but unfortunately it’s not as fun as its name implies.

This is a typical Roller Derby warm-up. Recently I completed a week of Roller Derby Boot Camp to train for the Savannah Derby Devils open tryout. Many people have inquired about the sport itself; most are curious about the fascination it holds for me. When I speak of my Derby involvement, 9 out of 10 people have stated something along the lines of “You are the last person I would expect for that.”

Admittedly there is nothing about my outward personality that screams, “You know, I’ve always wanted to wear fishnet stockings and barrel into other women while wearing roller skates, knowing it is probable I will fall on my ass at any moment. What? There’s actually a sport for that? Sign me up!”

Roller Derby has made a huge comeback from its initial popularity in the 1970’s, and will become an even trendier phenomenon when the movie Whip It! hits theaters in October. Originally Roller Derby was staged for dramatic effect, like cage-fighting on wheels. Now it is a recognized sport and there are more than 70 Roller Derby leagues across the United States.

So what’s the appeal?

A. The team itself. I dare you to find another sport that shows the amount of diversity that Roller Derby does. The only rules are you have to be a girl (sorry boys) over the age of 18. Derby Girls come from all walks of life and are all ages, shapes, and sizes. Most sports require you to be a size 2 under the age of 30, and we all know SO many women fall into that category. In Derby it doesn’t matter how old you are, how tall you are, or how thin you are…you just have to be competent on skates and not be afraid to hit people. Big girls actually have the advantage. You should see the face of a petite size 2 when a 250 lb. girl on roller skates is coming towards them head-on. Classic.

B. The attraction of adopting an angry alter-ego. Roller Derby turns anyone into an instant super-hero; shy intellectual by day, sassy bad-ass by night. You have to mean business if you want to live up to a name like Fear Abby or Lizzy Gored’Em.

C. Dressing derby. You don’t have to whore it up completely if you don’t want to but its hard for a girl to not feel sexy in fishnets, knee socks, and elbow pads. Walking home from a Derby party a man actually purred at me. I was not aware men did that. Whistle, sure. Growl and grunt, no problem. But purring? Not the classiest compliment I have ever gotten but glad to know the outfit was deemed derby appropriate.

All these are valid reasons, but after surviving boot camp I realized the biggest reward derby offers is the life experience. It may not seem like it but Roller Derby is basically Feminism 101.

Take derby stance for example; derby stance is how you are required to skate in a bout. Shoulders over knees over balls of feet, like a linebacker. This way you are always ready for someone to hit you from any angle. Also if you fall you’ll fall on your knees which is a lot less painful than falling on your ass. Just take my word for it. Derby stance teaches women to be prepared for anything, to be ready at any moment to be hit by something that could take the air right out of their lungs.

Derby teaches women about true female camaraderie. About working together as a pack. About how to step out of your comfort zone, whether by wearing fishnets or by having your hips grabbed to be pushed into an opposing player. About how to feel powerful and sexy in your own skin, tattoos and all.

I block and you fall. You block and I fall. Now repeat. Sounds like the life story of every woman I know.

If you are the least bit intrigued I encourage you to show up and support your local derby team at their next bout. If nothing else, it’s a good idea for you to be able to recognize every woman in your city capable of kicking your ass. For more information visit the Women's Flat Track Derby Association.