The Self-Respect Wars: A Call for Women to Boycott the Commitment-Phobic "Friend"

Recently I have encountered a scenario, both through personal experience and through the experiences of friends, that weighs heavily on my heart. It’s a classic scenario in the same league as the guy-who-isn’t-over-his-ex and the guy-who-verbally-abuses-you-because-he-cares.

It’s the guy-who-is-dating-you-but-isn‘t-ACTUALLY-dating-you.

He tells everyone you are “just friends.” He never wants you to meet his friends, let alone hang out with them. He texts you more than he calls you. Any time you meet it is just the two of you and kept secret, because why have people talk? Heaven forbid your friends and his friends actually talk about the untraditional nature of your quasi-relationship.

It is hard to adequately express my frustration with these boys. What I’m desperate to know is this: exactly WHERE did they learn that this sort of thing is acceptable?

Who, for pete's sake, is rounding all the men up and telling them they are entitled to have all the benefits of a romantic relationship, emotional and/or physical, without having to actually commit to a relationship? Whoever this person is, they need to be stopped. And shipped to Sweden immediately. Preferably in pieces.

At least they used to date you for a few weeks before they dumped you for not putting out. Now they don’t even respect you enough to let you claim ownership of a simple label for an unknown period of time, usually to be determined by them. No, they would rather do whatever they need to do to keep the “friendship“ intact, feeding us any number of excuses to keep us just interested enough to not cut them off completely.

And why not? They get to have their cake and eat it too. They get all the emotional fulfillment, the female companionship, and in some cases physical benefits without any of the accountability. They can date other girls (or you know, be “just friends” with another girl like they are “just friends” with you). It’s a sweet deal, and not one they are willing to relinquish without a fight.

In all fairness some men are not even aware they are doing this. Most women have at some point had that male friend that is flirtatious, spends lots of time with you alone, treats you like a princess…but still only sees you as a friend. Meanwhile you’re becoming completely smitten with the guy, getting emotionally attached, and he is none the wiser. If it isn’t intentional, if he is unaware of how his treatment of us is read, then is he really at fault? I keep convincing myself that surely they SHOULD know better…but sometimes they honest to goodness don’t. Sometimes they ARE that oblivious, so we can’t justifiably be angry when they show up with another girl on their arm.

My point then is this. It doesn’t matter if there isn’t a concrete definition or label attached to your relationship. Who cares if he isn’t willing to publicly commit to you; if your relationship with the guy entails anything more than what a strictly platonic friendship includes (ie. extended periods of time spent together, constant communication, and/or physical benefits) then you need to claim that definition for YOURSELF. Don’t let what your friends define as a “relationship” alter your perspective on what a relationship REALLY is. Labels be damned.

If it looks like a relationship, acts like a relationship, and smells like bullshit….

Maybe you decide you are alright with the status-quo, for whatever reason. I am pretty sure every woman has done this. I know I have. The reasons vary of course. Maybe you DON’T need the label. Maybe you just care about him too much to lose him and are willing to settle for whatever you can get. Maybe you hold out hope that if you continue on the path you are currently on, he’ll come to his senses and finally commit to you.

Rationally we understand that in some cases we might be kidding ourselves, but our rational minds and our emotional hearts don’t often see eye to eye. Inevitably our emotional heart usually wins out and we do what we want to do, regardless of what our friends, our brains, or our past experience tells us.

That being said, it is up to every individual woman to figure out what her threshold is. How long are you willing to put up with a quasi-relationship status before putting your foot down? Before establishing boundaries? If he wants to be more than friends, and if he actually does respect you, he should be willing to commit to a dating relationship with you. End. Of. Story.

I implore my gender to stop putting up with the guy-who-wants-all-the-benefits-but-none-of-the-responsibility. We keep letting them get away with it. Until women universally choose to acknowledge that they deserve better, the sorry-excuse-for-a-man in question will simply find another woman with low self-esteem and daddy issues to string along for a while.

I don’t want to be that next woman. They don’t want to relinquish this sweet deal without a fight?

Let’s give them that fight.

Just Friends? Harry and Sally Were the Exception, Not the Rule

One of the most embarrassing moments of my life was when, while catching up with some friends at our local coffee shop, I stated that my friendship with so-and-so was “strictly plutonic.” As in the planet Pluto. Obviously God did not equip me with built-in spell-check or the common sense to stop talking while I am still ahead.

I was unfamiliar with the word “platonic” because it didn’t come up in conversation often. Even though I had many friends who were male, both gay and straight, I was never put in a position where I had to justify those friendships. I took it for granted that friendships like these were completely normal.

This topic became one of great concern for me when I noticed the most recent cover of US Magazine. It crucifies Jon Gosselin (of TLC’s Jon and Kate Plus 8 fame) for being out late with one of his female friends while his wife was out of town.

TLC loving housewives everywhere began sharpening their pitchforks. His response to the allegations? “Yes, I have female friends -- but that is all she is. I'm not going to end my friendships just because I'm on TV."

Sigh…where to begin. Can a straight man and a straight woman be friends even if one of those individuals is involved in a committed relationship? OF COURSE THEY CAN.

Are there circumstances where it isn’t okay? Possibly.

First there is the brother/sister friend, where two straight individuals of the opposite sex meet and form a friendship with no romantic or sexual attraction whatsoever. Harry and Sally can quit their whining because this IS possible, although it is admittedly rare. More commonly one will be attracted to the other but the person does not reciprocate and both parties decide they are able to continue as friends. The important thing is there was never any physical relationship established. These friends should not be attacked or questioned. If you have a problem with your significant other having this type of friend there is something deeply wrong with you. Trust me, they are a saner happier person because they have this friend to give them valuable opposite-sex perspective. You have probably avoided a lot of nights on the couch because of this person so instead of being jealous you might want to send them a fruit basket.

Then there is the amicable break-up friend . Two people date, break up, and decide not to throw objects at each other or post embarrassing pictures of the other person on the internet; as a result they are able to remain friendly. These friends are tricky to read because you know there was attraction present at one time. What’s to say it won’t come back, or that it isn’t still there? Jealousy may be understandable in this case although it still doesn’t justify your attempts to control every moment your other half spends with this person. We are adults and can feel things without acting on them.

Then there is the new friend, a friendship established while one person is dating someone else. Friendships like these are the worst because you have no idea whether there is attraction present or not; you aren’t a bloody mind-reader. All you have to go on is what your boyfriend/girlfriend tells you is true. Yeah, good luck with that.

Basically I think in almost all cases platonic friendships between men and women should never be questioned as inappropriate because first and foremost we are all human beings and we thrive on relationships, both romantic and non-romantic. I would not be okay with one of my male friends breaking off our long-standing friendship, not being able to spend time together just the two of us like he does with his male friends, just because his new girlfriend demands it.

That’s because the problem isn’t the friendships being maintained; it is the severe lack of trust present in our current dating culture. Lack of communication = trust issues = jealousy = calling your boyfriend 20 times a day in order to ascertain his exact whereabouts due to the off-chance that he MAY be having a cup of coffee with a girl he dated in second grade. Dirty scoundrel.

Can you blame us? I wish it was easier to be a trusting person in our society, but guess what? If you don’t have trust and respect in your relationship, you don’t have anything. That is a fact. At some point you have to trust someone. Trust is established by genuine communication so if you have a problem with one of your boyfriend/girlfriend’s friends, here’s a novel idea; TALK ABOUT IT.

Also take comfort in the fact that you are ten times smarter than his second grade girlfriend. She probably pronounces platonic “plutonic.”