Put the Bad Relationship Down: When Lust Becomes Addictive

I recently read a book by Rob Bell called Sex God. Regardless of whether you are a Christian or not EVERYONE should read this book. It contains the most eloquent explanation of unconditional love I have ever read.

The book is about more than sex and love. As he states often, “this is really about that.”

One heavy subject he tackles is addiction. All of us at one point in our lives have been addicted to something. Pick your poison; unhealthy relationships, sex, drugs, alcohol, caffeine, raw cookie dough, Friends re-runs. Obviously some addictions are more destructive than others, but on some level any addiction is destructive. It ends up controlling us and that always has negative consequences anywhere from minor pangs of guilt to physical danger.

My whole life I have dealt with emotional and physical baggage I don’t know what to do with. It’s easy to be tempted by anything and everything that will take you away from dealing with reality even if it only for a matter of moments. No one chooses to be an addict; it just becomes preferable to the alternative.

In the context of his book Bell is confronting sexual addiction. Many individuals are addicted to relationships and/or sex because to them it is preferable to the alternative. Being alone.

Validation, feeling accepted and wanted, is addictive.

The danger here is two-fold; first, it’s easy to be blissfully unaware that this is a problem. I could discuss the horrible cycle of co-dependency but that is a whole other post. We all have that one friend who is incapable of being single for more than ten minutes. They end up dating some real winners, let me tell you. Here is where the line is crossed; it’s okay to date lots of people, but when you get to that point that you settle for someone who treats you like crap because it’s preferable to the alternative it becomes unhealthy. When a relationship/sexual behavior requires an intervention that is probably a red flag.

The second danger is even if they acknowledge this as a pattern, they don’t see it as a terribly dangerous one. They don’t see any harm in it. Being addicted to sex or relationships seems like a lesser evil compared to drugs or alcohol. Again, ANY addiction is destructive to some degree because you are not experiencing true emotional or physical freedom. While drugs and alcohol don’t respect your body, addictive relationships or sex don’t respect your personality, your unique soul. I don’t know about you but I am a little more attached to my soul than I am to my body so I consider this to be a pretty dangerous pattern.

Any addict will tell you that if you have this type of relentless, passionate energy it needs to go SOMEWHERE. Everyone needs an outlet. If that energy isn't channeled somewhere productive or healthy it will be channeled somewhere destructive and hurtful.

So, what are you channeling your energies into?

Bell says, “Life is not about toning down and repressing your God-given life force. It’s about channeling it and focusing it and turning it loose on something beautiful, something pure and true and good, something that connects you with God, with others, with the world.”

My hope is that everyone can find an outlet that fulfills them as individuals so relationships and sex become a blessing instead of a “better than the alternative” scenario. For me those outlets are writing and painting; for you it could be horseback riding, rock climbing, or mud wrestling. Hey, I don’t judge.

So just say no to that second date with the guy who kicks small animals. The alternative really can't be worse than that.

Suggested Reading:
Sex God by Rob Bell
Feeding Your Demons: Ancient Wisdom for Resolving Inner Conflict by Tsultrim Allione
Provides a spirtiual/meditative approach for channeling your negative energies or "demons"

Just Friends? Harry and Sally Were the Exception, Not the Rule

One of the most embarrassing moments of my life was when, while catching up with some friends at our local coffee shop, I stated that my friendship with so-and-so was “strictly plutonic.” As in the planet Pluto. Obviously God did not equip me with built-in spell-check or the common sense to stop talking while I am still ahead.

I was unfamiliar with the word “platonic” because it didn’t come up in conversation often. Even though I had many friends who were male, both gay and straight, I was never put in a position where I had to justify those friendships. I took it for granted that friendships like these were completely normal.

This topic became one of great concern for me when I noticed the most recent cover of US Magazine. It crucifies Jon Gosselin (of TLC’s Jon and Kate Plus 8 fame) for being out late with one of his female friends while his wife was out of town.

TLC loving housewives everywhere began sharpening their pitchforks. His response to the allegations? “Yes, I have female friends -- but that is all she is. I'm not going to end my friendships just because I'm on TV."

Sigh…where to begin. Can a straight man and a straight woman be friends even if one of those individuals is involved in a committed relationship? OF COURSE THEY CAN.

Are there circumstances where it isn’t okay? Possibly.

First there is the brother/sister friend, where two straight individuals of the opposite sex meet and form a friendship with no romantic or sexual attraction whatsoever. Harry and Sally can quit their whining because this IS possible, although it is admittedly rare. More commonly one will be attracted to the other but the person does not reciprocate and both parties decide they are able to continue as friends. The important thing is there was never any physical relationship established. These friends should not be attacked or questioned. If you have a problem with your significant other having this type of friend there is something deeply wrong with you. Trust me, they are a saner happier person because they have this friend to give them valuable opposite-sex perspective. You have probably avoided a lot of nights on the couch because of this person so instead of being jealous you might want to send them a fruit basket.

Then there is the amicable break-up friend . Two people date, break up, and decide not to throw objects at each other or post embarrassing pictures of the other person on the internet; as a result they are able to remain friendly. These friends are tricky to read because you know there was attraction present at one time. What’s to say it won’t come back, or that it isn’t still there? Jealousy may be understandable in this case although it still doesn’t justify your attempts to control every moment your other half spends with this person. We are adults and can feel things without acting on them.

Then there is the new friend, a friendship established while one person is dating someone else. Friendships like these are the worst because you have no idea whether there is attraction present or not; you aren’t a bloody mind-reader. All you have to go on is what your boyfriend/girlfriend tells you is true. Yeah, good luck with that.

Basically I think in almost all cases platonic friendships between men and women should never be questioned as inappropriate because first and foremost we are all human beings and we thrive on relationships, both romantic and non-romantic. I would not be okay with one of my male friends breaking off our long-standing friendship, not being able to spend time together just the two of us like he does with his male friends, just because his new girlfriend demands it.

That’s because the problem isn’t the friendships being maintained; it is the severe lack of trust present in our current dating culture. Lack of communication = trust issues = jealousy = calling your boyfriend 20 times a day in order to ascertain his exact whereabouts due to the off-chance that he MAY be having a cup of coffee with a girl he dated in second grade. Dirty scoundrel.

Can you blame us? I wish it was easier to be a trusting person in our society, but guess what? If you don’t have trust and respect in your relationship, you don’t have anything. That is a fact. At some point you have to trust someone. Trust is established by genuine communication so if you have a problem with one of your boyfriend/girlfriend’s friends, here’s a novel idea; TALK ABOUT IT.

Also take comfort in the fact that you are ten times smarter than his second grade girlfriend. She probably pronounces platonic “plutonic.”

Build a Bridge and Get Over It: Why Do Men Take Longer to Recover from a Break-Up?

We’ve all heard this excuse before; he isn’t interested in committing to a relationship because his last girlfriend “broke his heart” and he isn’t entirely over her. In guy-speak, this means:

a) he wants to hook-up
b) he wants to explore his options
c) he doesn’t LIKE you like you and is trying to let you down nicely
d) a girl did break his heart, but it was ages ago and he really should be over it by now
e) all of the above

Heads up; letter e) seems to be the popular choice.

In the rare cases where D) is the correct answer I try and understand what went so terribly wrong. I try to imagine what kind of horrible human being turned this otherwise decent guy into damaged goods. She must be a pathological liar that eats hearts for breakfast, otherwise why all the fuss?

Recently I have witnessed many confident men turn into walking train-wrecks after a break-up becomes official. What does a walking train-wreck look like? A lot like an alcoholic on the rag who decides to take up stalking as a new and exciting hobby. Break-ups are certainly difficult but I can’t help feeling a little bitter. When women go through this we cry to our girlfriends, camp out on the couch with a pint of ice cream, and a couple of weeks later we GET OVER IT. We move on.

That's because women are resilient creatures. We have to be, because more often than not we allow ourselves to be emotionally vulnerable only to have that trust broken time and again. We could either wallow in it or learn how to deal.

So we learn how to deal, keep going, and show off our battle scars proudly. In contrast, men will generally let themselves emotionally commit only if they really like you. At this point they are in it to win it. In his eyes, the relationship becomes sacred, like we should feel "privileged" to have earned his trust. If this privileged relationship ends it shakes his entire world concept. Women change? Women lie? Of course they do. Sucks being on the other side, doesn’t it?

So begins the era of the walking train-wreck. Unfortunately, men always want to fix things. They are convinced that with enough time and effort they can fix anything, but some relationships are just not meant to be. It doesn’t mean that there wasn’t love there or the relationship wasn’t special, it just wasn’t supposed to last forever. Men need to call a spade a spade and know when it’s over.

So gentlemen, quit moping and start wearing those relationship scars proudly. Remember, chicks dig scars.

And unless she still has your favorite sweatshirt, stalking is NEVER acceptable behavior.