Hit Me Baby One More Time: Should Women Ever Throw the First Punch?

So I have this fantasy.

Some Hollister-wearing know-it-all will be running his mouth about what a raging b*tch I am, blah blah blah. Naturally I’ll be up in his face, dishing it right back to him, when I’ll realize that I should be the bigger person. So I’ll back off and walk away….and then he’ll say something that crosses the line. I’m not sure what, but it’s my fantasy so it will happen.

Then bigger person be damned. My vengeance, and fists, will rain down on this poor unsuspecting man like Tyson on steroids. Hell hath no fury like a woman who has 26 years of pent up angst running through her feminist veins. Three of my friends will have to hold me back. One of them will be screaming, “He isn’t worth it!!” while another one will be flagging down a car. They’ll push me in the car (which will be challenging as I’ll still be flailing about wildly) screaming, “Get her out of here!”

Obviously said Hollister-wearing boy will be left crying uncontrollably in the fetal position on the sidewalk as his friends point and laugh.

Whenever I imagine this scenario I can’t help but smile. Why does the idea of hitting a guy make me so blissfully happy?

Women are passionate creatures. Have you ever seen two women fist-fight? It doesn’t happen very often, because 9 times out of 10 that fight will end up with someone in the emergency room. True cat-fights are like Haley’s comet; they only come around once in a while and you better look quick or you‘ll miss one hell of a show.

Fortunately this type of girl-on-girl throw-down is predictable in nature and you can be certain it will be over one of two things; a boy we like, or a boy that makes us angry.

Unfortunately our passionate nature is difficult to control and therefore our rage is never limited to same-sex altercations. If a boy we like becomes a boy that makes us angry, our rage is easily redirected to the responsible party.

Obviously we could be the bigger person and walk away, which is what happens 99% of the time. Even though we are angry, hurt, and/or betrayed we realize that deep down we are better off, and that getting even would take time and energy that would be better spent on finding someone new and deserving of our company.

That other 1% of the time...we want to get even. Really even. Ruin his life even. Leave him physically maimed or permanently diseased even. In these situations, is it ever ok to get physical? Slap him? Throw a drink in his face? Throw yourself at him like Tyson on steroids?

I would argue that yes, on extremely rare occasions, it is ok. Sure, violence is not the answer, but the validation that a woman gets from physically expressing her anger might just be worth the loss in karma that results. I have never been prouder to be a woman than when I found out Elin Nordegren tried to beat Tiger Woods to death with his own gold-plated golf clubs.

The important thing to consider is that if you start it, you better be willing to finish it. Women, be warned; don’t throw the first punch unless you are fully prepared for him to punch back. Every man, heck every person, has the right to defend themselves. Chivalry will always be superseded by fight or flight instincts, and no one is going to think he is an abusive monster for trying to avoid a heavy beating by fighting back.

Now I am not planning to go out and get in a fist-fight with every annoying boy I meet (totally impractical for one thing…there are far too many of them). But one day, should the situation call for it, I might not be the bigger person. Don’t worry, he’ll deserve it.

And trust me…it will be one hell of a show.

Do I Have To? Understanding the Difference Between Obligation and Random Acts of Kindness

After posting the Good Housekeeping advertisement a few weeks ago I couldn’t stop thinking about some of the guidelines…and how they didn’t seem all that bad. For example, “Be happy to see him.” The alternative being you are unhappy to see him which I don’t think will go over well in the long term, so pretty sound advice that.

The ad only sounds so ridiculous because of the not-so-subtle sense of obligation that is implied in these “suggestions.” Perhaps if these were labeled as such we could write them off as infantile chauvinist fantasies and laugh about it. But they’re not advertised as suggestions, they’re advertised as rules….and only bad wives break the rules. All of a sudden you have to satisfy a checklist of do’s and don’ts to be considered a loving spouse, and that is a disturbing (not to mention terribly limiting and boring) concept to say the least.

Here are some other not-so-bad suggestions the ad makes: Have dinner ready. Greet him with a warm smile. Listen to him. Don’t greet him with complaints and problems. I would like these things. You would probably like these things. If I had a husband I would assume that he would also like these things.

Women (and men) often express their love for another person in these way but there’s a distinction that has to be made; we should be doing these things for someone because we want to and not because we feel obligated by a formulaic gender role.

For example, I hardly ever cook. Not because I don’t enjoy it but because I only know how to cook three things and they all require cheese and heavy cream. One simply can not live off of a steady diet of cheese and cream so cooking has become a sporadic occasion . That being said, if I wanted to do something really nice for someone, make some effort to show that I cared, cooking a nice dinner might be a good option.

Another example: one of my best friends always opens the door for me. I have to admit that at first it was annoying because he would often have to jump in front to manage it (my hips take up about ¾ the width of an average door…thanks biology). Eventually I got used to it. We have been friends eight years now and he still does it every single time.

Why? I am sure that after eight years he has no doubt in his mind that I am capable of opening a door. He certainly isn’t trying to impress me so he can get in my pants later. And while he is extremely polite and respectful he is far from the conservative southern gentleman who thinks it is his masculine duty to open the door for every woman he sees.

About two years into our friendship I finally asked him. He said he does it because it is his way of showing affection for me. He knows that I don’t expect it and that makes it even better. Even though I can open my own door he wants to do something that will make me happy and this is one way he can do that.

And he’s right. It does make me happy. I feel like a lady and that’s something I don’t feel very often.

So here’s the downside to doing things because you feel obligated; a sense of obligation is based on a sense of order and fairness, which means a part of you while always be expecting something in return. The great thing about a selfless act is that you are doing it because you want to, because you can, and because you don’t need them to return the favor. All the pressure is suddenly off.

Do nice things for someone because you want to show them you are thinking about them? Do nice things for someone because you know they will appreciate it? Forget the grand gestures and think of random acts of kindness that you know will make the other person happy?

Pretty sound advice that.

Suggested Reading:
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
I looked at every relationship in my life differently after reading this book. Chapman describes the five most common ways we show love for one another (spouses, friends, family) and how we can use that knowledge to show our love in ways that others will appreciate.

Your Daily Dose of Vintage Sexism

This advertisement appeared in a 1955 issue of Good Housekeeping. Click the image to enlarge. And remember, a good wife always knows her place.

Some Gender-Related Factoids

• In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb."
• Many years ago in Scotland a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden." Thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
• The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
• Men can read smaller print than women can.
• Bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laserprinters were all invented by women.
• It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
• Men’s shirts have the buttons on the right but women’s blouses have the buttons on the left. This is because during the Victorian period buttons were quite expensive and were mostly worn by the wealthy. Since proper, well-to-do ladies were dressed by their servants, and most people are right-handed, their buttons were placed on the servant’s right which is the wearer’s left side. Most gentlemen dressed themselves so their buttons were placed on the wearer’s right side.
• Every year, 11,000 Americans injure themselves while trying out bizarre sexual positions.
• On average women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Ending the Power Struggle: Can't We All Just Get Along?

A friend sent me this interesting passage from a book called Chasing Daylight by Erwin Raphael McManus:

"For generations men have been given carte blanche to rule the home from the position of power and authority. Not only children, but wives have felt powerless to have a real role in shaping the texture of the family. Our society has often been deaf to the cries of women who feel powerless to shape their lives. At the same time, feminism has empowered women to pursue the same instruments of power that once held them oppressed. The solution to the sense of powerlessness, the solution to ending the unethical use of power by men, is to seize the same power and influence and use them the same way. Nothing has changed at the core. No genuine shift in value systems. It's just more crowded at the top with everyone pushing each other off as we lust for more power, more authority, more position. We have lost confidence in the power of influence and because of that, we have lost the beauty of its art. The problem with positional power is that while it may control the actions of another human being, its does not capture the heart. God is looking for women and men who will be characterized by this Jonathan Factor ( see 1 Samuel 14 for a more complete explanation), who understand, develop, and maximize their sphere of influence."

In essence, I whole-heartedly agree with this statement. I love what the second-wave feminists did for the movement (for those unfamiliar with the three waves, these were the 60’s “bra-burning” sexual revolution feminists) but in a lot of ways they also screwed the cause. They made women feel that to be powerful, we had to act like MEN to reclaim our worth instead of being taught that being a WOMAN is empowering. Women learned they could either be the hardcore, power-suit wearing, ball-busting executive or the raunchy, aggressive sexual predator whose power was dependent on male conquests. In both cases, being aggressive is apparently the secret ingredient.

Its no wonder the men are crapping their pants en mass. Women are already incredibly smart, now they feel powerful too? Scary combination indeed.

However, there is a big difference between being aggressive and being assertive. Men and women are different and, not to get too new-agey on you, we possess different masculine and feminine energy. David Deida has written many books that explore this concept, and even though his language can be flowery and simplistic at times the basic idea is a valid one. Feminine energy at its core is NOT aggressive…it is free-spirited, nurturing, empathetic, and creative. God made us that way and I don’t mess with God’s design.

Women can not claim power by acting more like men. It throws everything out of balance. We should be taught the inherent power and worth we possess as women is a beautiful thing and learn to translate that power in the home and in the workplace.

How does this apply to a woman’s role in the family structure? Well, I think gender roles in the family need to be flexible and not based on the long-standing tradition of the docile Stepford wife. If you are a woman and have not already read The Feminine Mystique by Betty Friedan step away from your computer this instant, go to the nearest bookstore and do not leave without this book. I am willing to let it go that for some reason you have not had a chance to read it up until this point, but if you continue to ignore it’s life-changing capacity after reading this then shame on you.

It explores how women are trapped into the role of “housewife” at an extremely early age and never break away from that role. This was a huge problem in the 50’s and 60’s, and even though we would like to think things have changed drastically we have recently been experiencing another wave of this behavior. Women are still being pressured to be a “wife” and “mother” before anything else. Just ask any woman who openly admits she doesn’t want to have children if you don’t believe me.

I wouldn’t be bothered by this imposed pressure if I felt like it was even close to an equal deal (“husband” and “father” before “occupation” etc.) but it isn’t. More importantly, I don’t like the implied physical responsibilities that are put on the role of wife vs. husband. Read doing all the housework, raising the children, etc. I have absolutely nothing against stay-at-home-moms if that is their choice; I know some women who were BORN to be moms. However, no woman should ever feel that this is a non-negotiable role based on her gender. Right now it is a rare household that can function on one income, so not only does the wife work all day but then she has to come home and face all the chores and childcare. I much prefer seeing marriages that are true partnerships; in other words, the husband and wife share the household/family responsibilities equally according to who inherently does what best. This seems like common sense but you rarely see it in real life. Simply put, women are not maids. We do possess more power than that and it should not be squandered.

Gender roles should never be about power, however women are still making up for lost time so give us some slack if we overcompensate a little. Eventually I think a balance will be struck where we aren’t “pushing each other at the top” but instead appreciating each other’s unique qualities and the inherent power we possess because of our masculine or feminine energy. At that point there won’t be a head of the household or gender role stereotypes because there won’t need to be.

Until that day, let’s not teach our daughters that their inherent feminine energy can only be expressed by playing with Barbie dolls and Easy Bake ovens. We would truly be selling them short.

.

Suggested Reading:

Chasing Daylight: Seize the Power of Every Moment by Erwin Raphael McManus

The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida

The Feminine Mystique by Betty Friedan

Rescue Me: Because Aretha Franklin Said So

I can’t stand when females intentionally use the “damsel in distress” routine. It is painful having to watch grown women act like idiots to win a guy's affection. They play dumb then giggle flirtatiously when he swoops in with his inspiring answer, thereby validating his mental superiority. Really ladies? Your fake stupidity makes your man feel accomplished, huh? You must be so proud.

But men are suckers for this and I can’t really blame them. In a society struggling to define what true masculinity is these guys are grasping at straws. Opening a jar for his girlfriend becomes the masculine equivalent of slaying a fire-breathing dragon. Traditional gender roles have become so ingrained that men have to feel needed and assisting a troubled female is a sure way to do that.

Because if we don‘t need them, how are they supposed to feel worth it?

What I am coming to terms with is that I kind of admire that me-Tarzan you-Jane gallantry and, dare I say it, would like a man to treat me like a distressed damsel once in a while. I want someone to care about me enough to also feel protective of me. And yes, that sound you just heard was the collective scream of thousands of angry feminists.

I am as independent and pro-equality as they come but I would never suggest that women and men are physically or spiritually identical. Men and women and everything in between are different on a biological and physiological level, and thank goodness for that. If men and women were the same I wouldn’t have anything to write about. So here is some common knowledge. Men, on average, are physically larger and stronger than women. Men are good at focusing on a task. They take charge and get the job done. That is how their brain works. Certainly sounds like someone I want taking my side if things get rough.

If I come home in a hysterical state because some pervert tried to molest me on the subway, I want my man to say he plans to scour the city, find the guy, and proceed to kick his ass. This chivalrous exhibition would for all intents and purposes not be very helpful (or practical) but it would demonstrate how valuable I am to him. As annoying and irrational as it may be for the guys, our self-esteem needs a boost once in a while. We need to know you care about what happens to us.

We need to be reminded that we’re worth it too.