Hit Me Baby One More Time: Should Women Ever Throw the First Punch?

So I have this fantasy.

Some Hollister-wearing know-it-all will be running his mouth about what a raging b*tch I am, blah blah blah. Naturally I’ll be up in his face, dishing it right back to him, when I’ll realize that I should be the bigger person. So I’ll back off and walk away….and then he’ll say something that crosses the line. I’m not sure what, but it’s my fantasy so it will happen.

Then bigger person be damned. My vengeance, and fists, will rain down on this poor unsuspecting man like Tyson on steroids. Hell hath no fury like a woman who has 26 years of pent up angst running through her feminist veins. Three of my friends will have to hold me back. One of them will be screaming, “He isn’t worth it!!” while another one will be flagging down a car. They’ll push me in the car (which will be challenging as I’ll still be flailing about wildly) screaming, “Get her out of here!”

Obviously said Hollister-wearing boy will be left crying uncontrollably in the fetal position on the sidewalk as his friends point and laugh.

Whenever I imagine this scenario I can’t help but smile. Why does the idea of hitting a guy make me so blissfully happy?

Women are passionate creatures. Have you ever seen two women fist-fight? It doesn’t happen very often, because 9 times out of 10 that fight will end up with someone in the emergency room. True cat-fights are like Haley’s comet; they only come around once in a while and you better look quick or you‘ll miss one hell of a show.

Fortunately this type of girl-on-girl throw-down is predictable in nature and you can be certain it will be over one of two things; a boy we like, or a boy that makes us angry.

Unfortunately our passionate nature is difficult to control and therefore our rage is never limited to same-sex altercations. If a boy we like becomes a boy that makes us angry, our rage is easily redirected to the responsible party.

Obviously we could be the bigger person and walk away, which is what happens 99% of the time. Even though we are angry, hurt, and/or betrayed we realize that deep down we are better off, and that getting even would take time and energy that would be better spent on finding someone new and deserving of our company.

That other 1% of the time...we want to get even. Really even. Ruin his life even. Leave him physically maimed or permanently diseased even. In these situations, is it ever ok to get physical? Slap him? Throw a drink in his face? Throw yourself at him like Tyson on steroids?

I would argue that yes, on extremely rare occasions, it is ok. Sure, violence is not the answer, but the validation that a woman gets from physically expressing her anger might just be worth the loss in karma that results. I have never been prouder to be a woman than when I found out Elin Nordegren tried to beat Tiger Woods to death with his own gold-plated golf clubs.

The important thing to consider is that if you start it, you better be willing to finish it. Women, be warned; don’t throw the first punch unless you are fully prepared for him to punch back. Every man, heck every person, has the right to defend themselves. Chivalry will always be superseded by fight or flight instincts, and no one is going to think he is an abusive monster for trying to avoid a heavy beating by fighting back.

Now I am not planning to go out and get in a fist-fight with every annoying boy I meet (totally impractical for one thing…there are far too many of them). But one day, should the situation call for it, I might not be the bigger person. Don’t worry, he’ll deserve it.

And trust me…it will be one hell of a show.

Feel Free to Slap Her: When Does Joking About Domestic Violence Cross the Line?

There's a hilarious story on the Onion that presents a fictitious Lifetime for Men movie in which the protagonist kills his nagging spouse. Overbearing women who are constantly trying to control every aspect of their significant other’s life drive me batty so I for one was glad this guy didn’t take it lying down. Later though I couldn’t help thinking about the bigger implications articles like this have.

Now I understand that this is a harmless joke and not one iota of its content is meant to be taken seriously. That is the genius of this site and the articles it presents. However, it did make me realize how mainstream jokes concerning domestic violence have become to the point that I don’t even notice them anymore.

My best friend will joke with his buddies about “smacking me around to keep me in line” all the time. He says it right in front of me and I laugh. I know this only encourages him further, but no big deal right? If that is the case, where do I draw the line about what's appropriate and what's not? With controversial humor presented on shows like Family Guy and South Park on a weekly basis, I feel like the line keeps getting further and further away for everyone.

I realized jokes about violence against women bother me in particular because it is still such a large-scale and horribly overlooked problem in our society. Politically incorrect jokes about hot-button topics that are no longer an issue don’t seem as destructive. It would be like making a joke about the Salem witch trials vs. making a joke about the genocide in Darfur.

If a current social issue is not taken seriously enough already, it seems wrong to fuel the fire by joking about it. Nearly one-third of American women (31%) report being physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives. No punch-line there.

There is also a terrible double standard involved in these types of jokes. For example, if a man jokes about giving their girlfriend a good beating he is a monster; if I make the same joke I am a badass. Maybe the reasoning here is that historically a woman usually whales on a guy in physical self-defense, in which case that response is inarguably encouraged. But what if I nonchalantly say I am going to beat my boyfriend to a bloody pulp because he forgot my birthday…is the violence in this case ok since he so obviously deserves it? If the roles were reversed and I was the forgetful ho, shouldn’t I expect this type of treatment as well? This article is doing exactly the same thing; taking a classic Lifetime plotline and flipping the gender roles. Even in comedic form it sounds unfair to the men; because it is.

It is important for us to be conscious about the jokes we say and the context we say them in. Sure they’re funny but they are also making light of a serious issue. If we continue to joke about domestic violence with abandon it will continue to be handled with abandon.

So laugh, but don’t laugh too hard.