If You Are Feeling Magnanimous Today

I value the concept that actions speak louder than words but because of geography, life commitments, and financial means our ability to act may be limited at times. Here are some easy ways you can support causes you believe in by “doing” something as easy as clicking a button.

If you support the national campaign to repeal “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” and want to help flood Congress with a ton of e-mails that will hopefully annoy them enough to do something about it, click here.

If you support LGBT Equal Rights and you want every driver on the road to know about it, click here to request a human rights bumper sticker.

If you want to save some ta-tas click here. 100% of the money from these advertisers goes to charity partners who fund programs to provide mammograms to women in need.

If you think requiring a sexual assault survivor to pay for her own rape kit to be processed for evidence is barbaric click here.

Your Daily Dose of Vintage Sexism

This advertisement appeared in a 1955 issue of Good Housekeeping. Click the image to enlarge. And remember, a good wife always knows her place.

Somebody's Watching You: Can Movies Make Stalking Romantic?

It is always refreshing to watch a movie that, armed with a dedicated cast and miniscule budget, reinvents a genre. Marianna Palka’s directorial debut Good Dick is one such movie. The title is misleading because while it does include its fair share of adult content, the movie is most importantly an authentic and hopeful film that challenges all the predictable romantic comedy stereotypes.

The basic plot is this; a “man” (he is never named in the film) who works in a video rental store becomes interested in a troubled “woman” who comes in every day to rent erotic videos. He gets her address from the rental directory and begins an incredibly bizarre courtship, one that involves him attempting to win her affections while slowly becoming a permanent part of her life.

What makes this movie so fascinating is the dynamic between the lead characters, played by Marianna Palka and Jason Ritter (who are also a couple off-camera). Their interaction is both heartwarming and heartbreaking to watch. The “man” does everything he can to win the “woman’s” trust despite the fact that she continually ignores or rejects him. Most of the time she is blatantly abusive. The fact that he sticks around, living amidst a constant strain of belittling insults, borders on masochist (in one of the more comic moments of the film, Ritter's character ends a heated argument by nonchalantly stating, "I love you. This fight is over.").

Yet stick around he does. He visits her at her apartment, starts spending the night, and eventually moves in with her. At which point you have to ask yourself…when did stalking become an acceptable form of courtship? I then realized that some of my other favorite movies also involve stalking. The follow-you-home-and-watch-you-through-your-window kind of stalking. For example:

Bed of Roses. A florist sees a woman crying in her window and follows her to work the next morning. Surely he wants to strangle her and wear her skin as a coat….no, he just wants to show her his elaborate rooftop garden.

50 First Dates. A marine biologist falls in love with a woman who suffers from short-term memory loss so he memorizes her schedule and “accidentally” runs into her every day…because come on, is it really stalking if she can’t remember it?

Untamed Heart. A shy busboy follows a waitress home every night to make sure she makes it there safely. Oh yeah, and he also climbs into her room and watches her sleep…isn’t breaking and entering cute?

Apparently one person’s creepy is my adorable. Blind romanticism and willful suspension of disbelief only got me so far before I had a “WTF???” moment of enlightenment. In reality I am fairly certain these women would have reacted much less favorably than they did in these movies, responses ranging from concerned to terrified.

Now my friend says ‘it’s only stalking if you don’t like the guy.’ True, but I think this explanation is too simplistic and one that gives the concept of initial attraction way too much credit. The female characters in Good Dick and 50 First Dates certainly didn’t like the male characters initially but over time they became interested. Time that was entirely facilitated by stalking.

‘It’s only stalking if he’s not a nice guy’ may be more accurate? These guys are sweet, caring, and most importantly harmless. At times they may be shy or awkward but serial killers they are not. But I believe the romance of it all has more to do with the dedication of these particular male characters and what that says about their masculinity. When asked by Chris Wilkinson of Eye for Film whether Ritter’s character was justified in his actions, Palka responded:

“What makes his character a hero is that he is very consistent. He has a very quiet strength and a real patience, which is an interesting thing to include in an illustration of masculinity.”

The women in these films have some deeply rooted issues. Whether it’s a history of abuse or a physical brain disorder they have some understandable difficulties trusting people. The fact that these men end up stalking the object of their affection may seem over the top but it may also be the only way to prove to these women that they aren’t going anywhere. Actions speak louder than words, especially when 90% of the population is relationship ADD. These guys are real people who see other real people, people who are different but deserve to be loved, and they are patient enough to stick around and prove it to them.

Gentle, patient, dedicated, and consistent is a far cry from the traditional masculine image of powerful, confrontational, and charismatic. Some may read “gentle and patient” as “pushover” but that is not the case. These men are confident even if in some cases it is a subdued confidence. After all, you have to be confident to be a stalker don‘t you? What would be the point if you didn’t honestly believe that you were charming enough to win them over if you just hang around them long enough?

This form of courtship is not a new concept. Chivalry, still frequently referenced as the model for polite male behavior, was built around unhealthy and unrealistic obsessions. A chivalrous knight defined his masculinity by dedicating his entire existence to a worthy lady of status. This poor man would write sonnets, fight battles, and possibly even die defending the honor of some woman that in all likelihood he would never even meet. This level of dedication seems unnecessary. If I am going to die defending the honor of a man he better buy me dinner first.

Stalking is also unnecessary and certainly not the romantic standard I would hold someone to, but I wouldn’t mind seeing that level of dedication and patience more often. Just remember, its all fun and games until someone gets a restraining order.

Read the entire Eye for Film interview with Marianna Palka and Jason Ritter here.

Pool Hall Revolution

There is a bar in Savannah that offers free pool on Tuesdays and Thursdays and I decided to make this part of my weekly routine. I grew up with a pool table in my house and my Dad taught me to play at a young age. My Dad loved three things; pool, cards, and bowling. He passed away when I was 19 and since I was a hopeless bowler and found cards to be too complicated, pool became the legacy I was left with. Instead of passing on the torch he passed on his custom-made pool cue with pearl inlay.

So every Tuesday is now date night with B&B Billiards. At first I’d like to think I blend in pretty well but when I start racking up at a free table its as if every man in the room feels a disturbance in the force.

Competent with a pool cue she is.

Or is she? When a girl plays pool in an establishment primarily frequented by pool players, they are going to size up her game. I could care less what these guys think about my game but it’s still intimidating. Is this how a man using a public restroom feels?

Fortunately unlike a public restroom (sorry guys) this is a pass or fail test and you only have to be slightly better than horrible to pass. While I may not be an excellent pool player I’m not a shitty one either. Lucky for me being not-too-shitty seems to carry a lot of weight as the men appear confused, intrigued, and admiring…simultaneously. Is this how a Christian youth group leader in a gay pride parade feels? I am not trying to start a revolution and I have nothing to prove but sometimes it feels good to show that I'm not afraid to play with the boys.

Also it’s no surprise that I enjoy playing a game where I can bend over provocatively, handle a long stick and repeatedly bust balls all night long. You could drown in that kind of sexual symbolism.

So where does that leave me? The Madonna/Whore complex enters new and interesting territory when you add some competition to the mix. On the one hand I am being respected and admired for my mastery of the game; on the other hand I am unintentionally flaunting my sexuality with the help of some not-so-subtle body positions and object metaphors. I am literally the ball buster and the tease, at the same time. Even Houdini couldn’t pull that off.

Maybe this is what third-wave feminism should look like.

In summary, the man who invented this game was very sexually frustrated and the secret to being a badass bombshell is to be slightly better than horrible at playing pool. If you can get through a game without completely embarrassing yourself you’ll have it made. If you can’t manage that then rest assured; there will always be a guy out there who is man enough to let you win.

And if you find one who is man enough to NOT let you win please let me know, because I’m still looking for him. :)

Defending the Naughty Nurse

I used to get upset with women that used Halloween as an excuse to wear something that amounts to being naked and get away with it. However this year I dressed up as a Freudian Slip for Halloween, so admittedly, wearing lingerie to a crowded costume party gave me some insight. I am not the skinniest or prettiest girl but wearing that costume made me feel good, made me feel sexy, and made me feel reasonably sure that I made my ex swallow his tongue.

Shameless maybe but desperate times called for desperate measures. It made me think that maybe I should go easy on the Dirty Dorothys and Slutty Schoolteachers. Halloween is all about letting loose and being someone we’re not for one night only. As women who are constantly objectified in our daily lives, isn’t it liberating to openly express a sexualized self on a night where EVERYONE is being objectified?

Dan Savage had some interesting things to say about this "sluttly costume" genre in an article he wrote for The Stranger. Check out his thoughts on the subject here.

Less Is More: The Beauty of Male Simplicity

Boys love going to restaurants where all the menu items are also pictured. A long-standing tradition I used to have was going to Denny’s at 2am with my guys one Saturday a month or so. This used to be where all the drag-queens in Savannah would congregate after their last show of the night; so of course, where else would I want to be?

For me the highlight of the evening would be watching all the boys order. The waitress would come over, ask them what they wanted to eat and they would respond by pointing to a picture and saying, “I want that.”

Easy. To the point. In a way I was disappointed they used words at all; I kept waiting for the day they would simply point to the picture and grunt like a caveman. Me hungry, me want that.

Isn’t there something strangely beautiful about that kind of thinking? This mindset isn’t limited to breakfast foods, it translates to their careers and relationships as well. There is an excellent book called The Sexual Spectrum by Olive Skene Johnson that presents some fundamental biological differences between male and female brains. Male brains are wired to process immediate information in order to solve the problem efficiently. Women on the other hand are wired to process information according to a bigger picture. They consider every aspect of the problem and then solve it in a way that may not be as efficient but is the most copasetic.

Both models of thinking have their advantages and disadvantages and it would be hard to argue that one is necessarily better than the other. The most efficient answer is not always the best one; just ask any guy who thought it would be fun to eat a hot pizza roll right out of the oven. Hurts doesn’t it?

Then why did he do it? Because if a man is hungry, he eats. If a woman is hungry, she considers how much her ass may jiggle the next morning if she eats and then acts accordingly. Yes, it can be that ridiculous. So while the most efficient answer may not be the best one I would argue that women have taken the “consider the bigger picture” mentality a bit too far, especially when it comes to relationships.

Men don’t over-analyze everything. It makes me wonder, why can’t women adopt the same mentality?

Or more to the point…why do women have to be so dramatic?

Suppose your girlfriend is upset because she thinks you were hitting on her brother. You’re upset, she’s upset. Resolution needed. Now imagine if you could handle the problem like men often do…throw a few punches, laugh, say “I love you bitch, get over here,” and hug it out? Seems like a more civilized solution than passive-aggressive insults, manipulating conversations and talking about her behind her back. Compared to that sort of behavior an all-out, no-holds-barred catfight seems downright debutante.

Basically having female friends is kind of like living with a minefield in your backyard. You never know how they are going to perceive something, what they are going to think, or how they are going to react. It can be thoroughly exhausting.

I try and avoid that trap by sticking with an honesty-is-the-best policy model. I don’t make assumptions, I try not to over-analyze and if there is a problem I talk about it. Saves me hours of pointless obsessing that I can use to read philosophy and watch Family Guy re-runs.

On average men say about 7,000 words a day while women say about 20,000 words a day, and miraculously men are not dropping dead en-mass around the world; they seem to get by just fine using less than half the amount of words we do. I talk a lot more than most so while I may never get down to saying only 7,000 words a day maybe I can at least limit my thinking to 7,000 words a day. If anything it would make the 20,000 words that actually come out of my mouth a lot more interesting.

If not, at least I still have the option of ordering food by pointing to a picture of it. Without that we’d all be screwed.


Suggested reading:
The Sexual Spectrum by Olive Skene Johnson

The Male Brain by Louann Brizendine M.D.

Pregnant is the New Black: Should Reality Shows be Glorifying Unplanned Pregnancies?

It’s no secret that babies scare the crap out of me. I literally stopped drinking the coffee at my church when 10% of our congregation became pregnant within a couple months of each other. This is why shows like I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant terrify me; I was under the impression that pregnancy was pretty obvious, as in you are or you aren’t. The idea of a pregnant gray area is disconcerting to say the least.

What concerns me even more is the message these shows may be presenting to young female audiences. Take for example the popular MTV Show 16 and Pregnant. I recently heard on a local radio show that after one of the show’s featured couples, Catelynn and Tyler, gave their daughter up for adoption Catelynn received massive amounts of fan-mail from female viewers, one of which thanked her for being “an incredible role model.” An extensive article was also written in People Magazine profiling the couple as national heroes.

Does that seem like a bit of a stretch to anyone else?

Unplanned pregnancy can happen to any woman including one that is using birth control, so I am not suggesting that every pregnant teenager is pregnant because they acted in a sexually irresponsible manner. I also think that adoption is a difficult and extremely personal decision and I in no way judge them in favor of or against their decision to give their child up for adoption. Certainly their decision has given much-needed publicity to the issue of adoption and that is a wonderful thing.

However, saying that Catelynn is “an incredible role model” for getting pregnant at 16 seems somewhat inappropriate. I would like to see a 16 year old role model that is making smart, informed, and safe sexual decisions celebrated on MTV. Unfortunately that girl is probably being called an uptight prude by her peers and therefore would like to remain anonymous.

Even if Catelynn was practicing safe sex I still take issue with her being coined a role model; if you believe you are old enough to have sex you should also be old enough to support a child. If you are not old enough to support a child, keep it in your pants until you are. I am not advocating abstinence only education; I am advocating the idea that making sexual decisions requires maturity. Be informed but then also be an ADULT.

But let’s be honest…it is more than likely that this young couple was not practicing safe sex which is often the case with teen couples either because they are ill-informed or just plain lazy. If that is the case, what sort of message are we presenting to a young female viewing audience?

That if you are a teen, have unprotected sex and end up pregnant then you too could end up on an MTV reality show?

The show’s purpose is to discourage teen pregnancy but what they are really doing is demonstrating the sexual irresponsibility of teenage couples in a way that turns them into celebrities. My heart goes out to Catelynn and the other young women on this show, and I believe they deserve all the support we can give them but I don’t think they deserve glowing admiration and fame for their less than smart decision making.

This also applies to the show I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant. If these women go 9 months without knowing they are pregnant they are obviously a bit misinformed about pregnancy and birth control. In some cases the circumstances are otherwise but the majority seem to be young women who are oblivious to the possibility that their sexual behavior could result in pregnancy until they are actually giving birth.

We should be supporting and helping these women with any resources we have available....but should we be glorifying their decisions as the stuff that role models are made of?

Also, should we stay away from church coffee for a while?