Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Hit Me Baby One More Time: Should Women Ever Throw the First Punch?

So I have this fantasy.

Some Hollister-wearing know-it-all will be running his mouth about what a raging b*tch I am, blah blah blah. Naturally I’ll be up in his face, dishing it right back to him, when I’ll realize that I should be the bigger person. So I’ll back off and walk away….and then he’ll say something that crosses the line. I’m not sure what, but it’s my fantasy so it will happen.

Then bigger person be damned. My vengeance, and fists, will rain down on this poor unsuspecting man like Tyson on steroids. Hell hath no fury like a woman who has 26 years of pent up angst running through her feminist veins. Three of my friends will have to hold me back. One of them will be screaming, “He isn’t worth it!!” while another one will be flagging down a car. They’ll push me in the car (which will be challenging as I’ll still be flailing about wildly) screaming, “Get her out of here!”

Obviously said Hollister-wearing boy will be left crying uncontrollably in the fetal position on the sidewalk as his friends point and laugh.

Whenever I imagine this scenario I can’t help but smile. Why does the idea of hitting a guy make me so blissfully happy?

Women are passionate creatures. Have you ever seen two women fist-fight? It doesn’t happen very often, because 9 times out of 10 that fight will end up with someone in the emergency room. True cat-fights are like Haley’s comet; they only come around once in a while and you better look quick or you‘ll miss one hell of a show.

Fortunately this type of girl-on-girl throw-down is predictable in nature and you can be certain it will be over one of two things; a boy we like, or a boy that makes us angry.

Unfortunately our passionate nature is difficult to control and therefore our rage is never limited to same-sex altercations. If a boy we like becomes a boy that makes us angry, our rage is easily redirected to the responsible party.

Obviously we could be the bigger person and walk away, which is what happens 99% of the time. Even though we are angry, hurt, and/or betrayed we realize that deep down we are better off, and that getting even would take time and energy that would be better spent on finding someone new and deserving of our company.

That other 1% of the time...we want to get even. Really even. Ruin his life even. Leave him physically maimed or permanently diseased even. In these situations, is it ever ok to get physical? Slap him? Throw a drink in his face? Throw yourself at him like Tyson on steroids?

I would argue that yes, on extremely rare occasions, it is ok. Sure, violence is not the answer, but the validation that a woman gets from physically expressing her anger might just be worth the loss in karma that results. I have never been prouder to be a woman than when I found out Elin Nordegren tried to beat Tiger Woods to death with his own gold-plated golf clubs.

The important thing to consider is that if you start it, you better be willing to finish it. Women, be warned; don’t throw the first punch unless you are fully prepared for him to punch back. Every man, heck every person, has the right to defend themselves. Chivalry will always be superseded by fight or flight instincts, and no one is going to think he is an abusive monster for trying to avoid a heavy beating by fighting back.

Now I am not planning to go out and get in a fist-fight with every annoying boy I meet (totally impractical for one thing…there are far too many of them). But one day, should the situation call for it, I might not be the bigger person. Don’t worry, he’ll deserve it.

And trust me…it will be one hell of a show.

No comments:

Post a Comment